Im jokes

Are you a tree? Cuz I’m trying to hang with you. ;)

Mom: I'm getting you a dog!

Me: OMG REALLY?!

Mom: Yeah, what gender do you want?

Me:...

Me: Bitch, please.

If someone calls you dirty minded just say:

"You are dirty minded as well if you understand what I'm saying."

A little girl was sitting with some other kids. She thought to herself, "I want to have kids when I'm older, at least they’ll have a home, parents, and hopefully a dad that actually came back with the milk!" 🤣😂

I don't struggle with depression- like, at this point, I have it down. I'm good at depression.

I’ve got money and suicidal thoughts, and I’m all out of money.

My cousin said being gay was such a pain in the ass and I asked him why and I said, "Cuz you get buttfucked?" and he said, "No, I get made fun of." and I said, "Why? Cuz you get buttfucked?" and he said, "No, turd." Then I said, "Wow, at least I'm not the one with real pains in my ass, bro."

What does the handicapped man say to the cops when he’s mistaken for a criminal: "Don't shoot, I'm unarmed!"

I don't think I'm allergic to this.

What does an apple and suicidal person have in common?

They're both hanging from a tree.

So Stephen Hawking walks into a bar.

I’m just kidding.

When I’m bored, I text a random number, “I hid the body... now what?”

There are too many suicidal people in this world. I’m going to make sure there is at least one less.

I got told I'm too mean and that I need to think before I speak. So now I take a couple minutes and think of what will REALLY piss the other person off.

I was diagnosed with a terminal disease. The doctor says my days are numbered.

Now I'm terrified of airports.

I was shopping for a halloween costume, but once we got to the ghost section all of the costumes were out of stock! It turned out Pristiano Penaldo was buying them all! I came up to him and asked why he was doing this and he said: I’m sorry, but it’s match day, I must be a ghost 👻👻

What do you call an autistic person? Names.

I'm autistic myself, so don't go crying in my comment section.

The depressed kid walked into the counselor's office.

"I'm feeling like killing myself," he said.

"Oh no! Don't worry, sweetie, just hang in there!," the counselor responded.

Secretly, I’m a woman catfishing gay men on Grindr. When a notification from the app went off, my son told me, “I’ve heard that sound. Daddy has that game, too!”

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine! Lol.