Im jokes
A dad tells his son, "Stop masturbating! If you do it too long, you will go blind."
The son replied, "Dad, I'm over here!"
There are too many suicidal people in this world. I’m going to make sure there is at least one less.
My son came up to me and said, "Dad, I'm depressed."
I pointed to the spare room and said, "Hang in there, son."
Call me a worn-out sweater because I’m hanging on by a thread.
That’s about to become a rope around my neck.
I’m going to open my own Mexican restaurant and call it boarder patrol.
A photon is checking into a hotel.
The bellhop asks him, "Do you have any luggage?"
The photon replies, "Nope, I'm traveling light."
I was diagnosed with a terminal disease. The doctor says my days are numbered.
Now I'm terrified of airports.
What’s something you can say about vacation, but not about your girlfriend?
Next time I’m bringing all my friends.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"Father replied, "I don't know, son. I'm still paying."
I got told I'm too mean and that I need to think before I speak. So now I take a couple minutes and think of what will REALLY piss the other person off.
The doctor told me I'm color blind...
Me: That's out of the purple!
I rate you 9 out of 10, because I'm the 1 you need.
Did you know I'm a really fast reader?
I can go through a few stories in just a few seconds!
"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.
I once called a depressed guy [to ask] why he loves ropes so much, and he left HUNGing on the phone. (I'm not English, so I could've talked bad.)
I'm actually against abortion.
Just go to the car wash and tell 'em you ate too much red pasta!
Two cows are grazing in a field.
One cow says to the other, "You ever worry about that mad cow disease?"
The other cow says, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter!"
Mom: I'm getting you a dog!
Me: OMG REALLY?!
Mom: Yeah, what gender do you want?
Me:...
Me: Bitch, please.
Guys, help! I need advice to confess to my crush. I'm being for real right now, guys, help!
Are you a tree? Cuz I’m trying to hang with you. ;)