Im jokes

What’s something you can say about vacation, but not about your girlfriend?

Next time I’m bringing all my friends.

I’m not saying my life’s a joke. I’m saying it’s the punchline no one asked for.

So there were these two wind turbines standing in a field, and one of them asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?"

The other thinks for a moment and says, "I'm a big metal fan."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"Father replied, "I don't know, son. I'm still paying."

A dad tells his son, "Stop masturbating! If you do it too long, you will go blind."

The son replied, "Dad, I'm over here!"

My son came up to me and said, "Dad, I'm depressed."

I pointed to the spare room and said, "Hang in there, son."

Roses are red, I'm not a boaster.

Elon must've got rushed to the hospital after impregnating a toaster.

Call me a worn-out sweater because I’m hanging on by a thread.

That’s about to become a rope around my neck.

A photon is checking into a hotel.

The bellhop asks him, "Do you have any luggage?"

The photon replies, "Nope, I'm traveling light."

Did you know I'm a really fast reader?

I can go through a few stories in just a few seconds!

The doctor told me I'm color blind...

Me: That's out of the purple!

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?"

"Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

I once called a depressed guy [to ask] why he loves ropes so much, and he left HUNGing on the phone. (I'm not English, so I could've talked bad.)

I'm actually against abortion.

Just go to the car wash and tell 'em you ate too much red pasta!

I rate you 9 out of 10, because I'm the 1 you need.

I'm in the year 1930...

The Great Depression.

Two cows are grazing in a field.

One cow says to the other, "You ever worry about that mad cow disease?"

The other cow says, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter!"

I'm the second worst thing to happen to those orphans.

Guys, help! I need advice to confess to my crush. I'm being for real right now, guys, help!