Im jokes

What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened? Close the door, I'm dressing.

I have so many orphan jokes. I'm afraid most of them won't hit home.

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine! Lol.

A man accidentally elbows a woman's boob as she is standing behind him in a hotel lobby. The man apologizes profusely and says, "If your heart is as soft as your breasts, I know you'll forgive me."

To which the woman replied, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 318."

People say I should be proud of my autism, but truth be told, I'm only in it for the help in class.

A young man was crossing the road when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess." The man took the frog, smiled at it, and put it in his wallet.

The frog called out again, "If you kiss me and I turn into a princess, I will live with you for a week and do everything you want." The young man took the frog out, smiled, and put it back.

Then the frog called out, "Okay, okay! I will be with you and do whatever you want forever!" The young man laughed and put it back in his wallet.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is wrong with you? I'm offering to be a beautiful princess! Why won't you kiss me?"

The young man said, "Listen, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is pretty cool."

I'm really worried for Stephen Hawking, 'cause how is he going to climb the stairway to Heaven?

A man walks into a bar with his pet octopus and proudly claims the animal can play any musical instrument. The bartender pulls out a guitar from behind the bar and gives it to the octopus, which plays an amazing solo. Just then a Scotsman walks into the bar with a set of bagpipes. The octopus grabs the instrument and wrestles around with it on the ground, flailing about, making a horrible sound. The bartender says, "Hey, looks like he can't play that!" and the octopus says, "Play it? As soon as I get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna fuck it!"

A man and a boy are walking into a forest. It begins to get dark. The boy says "Mister, I'm scared." The man replies "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone."

Kid: Mom, what’s dark humor?

Mom: Do you see that man without arms over there? Tell him to clap.

Kid: But, Mom, I’m blind!

Mom: Exactly.

A man was walking with a young boy in the woods.

The boy looks at the man and says, "Mister, it's too dark and I'm getting scared."

The man replies with, "How do you think I feel? I have to come back alone!"

I don't say funny stuff because I'm afraid they will take the German passport from me.

Patient: Oh, doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.

Doctor: Don’t worry. Mine too.

I don't struggle with depression. Like at this point I got it down. I'm good at depression.

"Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?"

"To the morgue."

"What? But I’m not dead yet!"

"And we’re not there yet."

Roses are red, violets are blue, my heart is dead, I'm such a fool. -Juice Wrld

I’m happy to be with my EA when I go to school.

I'm torn on the issue of abortion. I'm pro-abortion because it kills babies, but I'm against abortion because it gives women a choice.

You aren't alone. If you ever need to chat, I'm here. From one person to another. I hate this condition. I wish we didn't struggle.

I'm glad I'm not a pornstar... that would be pretty sucky.