Im jokes

The neighbor’s children challenged me to a water fight.

I’m just checking my Facebook quickly before the kettle boils.

I'm dyslexic. My sister was reading, "What's the book?" I asked. She showed me the cover. "You reading 'The Scared Bull'?" I asked. She started laughing. "No, 'The Sacred Bull'!"

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic, but I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

I'm 5'6", and my mom is 5'1" and 1/2. She always says she's going to get a suicide vest and fill it with bricks and squish me. I tell her good luck.

And when she tries to hug me, she says, "You're too fucking tall, kid," so I usually reply with "Go get a stool then."

What do you call a sad rabbit? Unhoppy.

Why isn't there a sad sunglasses emoji? To show that I am happy but I'm still cool.

I’m a paki nonse.

If a person with Down syndrome robs you, what do you say? “I’m up your Down.”

What did the rapper say to the fridge? (Part 2)

“I'm HUNGRY for some BARS!"

I'm not counting, but I have some fingers for you.

I’m so straight, you could call me a supplementary angle.

I'm not completely useless....

I can be used as a bad example!

Holy cow!

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”

“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”

I'm upset, but when I saw you, you never let me down.

Stacy: Honey, I'm kinda new to texting, what does lol mean?

Justin: I'm not sure, "lots of love," I guess.

Margaret: Stacy, are you there? I don't know if you heard, but Amber and her three kids were killed in a car crash this morning. I'm in total shock!

Stacy: lol

I'm ticked off by this tick joke!

Pete: Knock, knock...

Paul: Who's there?

Pete: Boo...

Paul: Boo who?

Pete: Don't cry, it was only a joke!

Paul: I'm going to cry! It was such a bad joke!!!

I'm making a new movie, it's called "Veggie Tales." My star actor is Stephen Hawking.

Hey, wanna hear a construction joke?

- Sure.

Oh sorry, I'm still working on it :-]

"Knock knock." "Who's there?" "I'm." "I'm who?" "I'm a joke!"

I see all these 9/11 jokes, and I’m disgusted. I personally won’t make a 9/11 joke because they have a tendency to crash and burn.