Im jokes

Call me an edgelord because I'm gonna impale myself on the edge of a spear.

I got in trouble in school today. The teacher said, "I'm gonna call your parents!"

I said, "Let me know when you find them." <3

Why will the orphan never say, "Honey, I'm home?"

No one wants him, not even the bees.

"Hey, I heard you were a bit down—where's John?"

"He died."

"Oh, I'm so sorry, but I got you food."

(After they eat) "Hey, how did John taste seasoned and cooked?"

I'm such a good babysitter because the last person I babysat was so flat.

I'm gonna blow out your lungs faster than Joe Biden thinks is possible with a 9mm.

I'm dead serious about Kobe: Kobe in heaven...

A cop pulls me over and asks if I have been drinking.

I'm an honest person and say yes, I did, so I take off my sunglasses and tell him that I now had 2 glasses less.

Kid walks in the door. "Mommy and Daddy, I'm home." Mommy and Daddy meanwhile in their room moaning. Kid runs to them thinking they're hurt and sees something he definitely shouldn't have.

10 minutes later, [he] kills himself.

What do lesbians and turtles have in common?

They both eat plastic. (I'm sorry to the lesbians out there; this is a joke, not real.)

I ran into a kid today. Now I'm in jail and I lost my driver's license.

I'm going to burn Braden Mitchell Kniffen's house down.

I'm sorry, but your dad left for milk.

What do you call a fake noodle?

An im-pasta.

"Hi, I’m Dan White’s dad. Where is he?"

What did the pickle do on the road?

It said, "I'm Pickle Rick!"

I'm a human. Syke, I'm Pickle Rick!

What did the traffic light say to the other?

🚦🚥🚦 Stop looking, I'm changing!

Yo, dad is so stupid, he brought the milk after two years, and he said, "Oh, sorry son. I'm going back to the store. Bye."

Fineman, Einstein, and Schrodinger walked into a bar.

Fineman says, "It appears we're inside a joke."

Einstein says, "But only to an observer who saw us walk in simultaneously."

To which Schrodinger says, "If someone's looking through the window, I'm leaving!"