Im jokes

I said I’m losing my mind. My friend said, “You didn’t have much to begin with.”

I will never forget the moment when my father saw me masturbating. He said, "Son, what are you doing? I'm on a video conference - get out of my office!"

What's the difference between a dead hooker and an onion?

I don't cry when I'm cutting up a dead hooker.

Do you know that “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” usually mean the same thing?

Except at a funeral.

Roses are red, violets are blue, You told me I'm ugly, nah, you look like a monkey!

Roses are red, Violets are blue, With every beat of my heart, I'm devoted to you.

What did one sperm say to the other while swimming side by side?

One turns to the other and asks, "How much further to the fallopian tubes?"

The other says, "I’m not sure, we just passed the esophagus."

Pilot: So Kobe, it seems like you’re not going to make it to your destination in time, so I’m going to put it on autopilot so I can find a place to fill with gas.

Kobe: Take us to the side of that mountain at full speed. I don’t really want to go to the event anymore.

Your girlfriend/boyfriend says: "I'm dating your uncle..." You start crying and you look under the bed and your uncle says: "Damn."

Little Johnny is with his dad behind a garbage truck when a dildo thumps the windshield.

To protect Little Johnny's innocence, he says, "That was an insect."

Little Johnny replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

I’m always the first person in line at school for lunch.

I just cut everyone.

Yo mama's so poor that when I was walking down the street, I saw her kicking the trash can, and I asked, "What are you doing?" She said, "I'm moving!"

After I see an anime boy acting cool,

Me at school acting cool:

My brothers: "He's just acting cool."

Me: I'm gonna kill u 0.0

I came across a pic of the oldest man on earth on IG. He was 132 years old.

I commented "age is just a number" for him; now I'm banned.

Is there a racist jokes page here? I’m not racist, I just want to know.

I identify as the Titanic, because I'm a wreck.

What did the Titanic say as it sank?

I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge!

"I work with animals," a guy says to his date.

"That's so sweet," she replies. "I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?"

"I'm a butcher," he replies.

Call me an edgelord because I'm gonna impale myself on the edge of a spear.

Orphan: I'm hungry.

Dad: Let's go to KFC.

Orphan 2: Boy, you don't got a dad!