Im jokes
I'm gonna blow out your lungs faster than Joe Biden thinks is possible with a 9mm.
A cop pulls me over and asks if I have been drinking.
I'm an honest person and say yes, I did, so I take off my sunglasses and tell him that I now had 2 glasses less.
"Hey, I heard you were a bit down—where's John?"
"He died."
"Oh, I'm so sorry, but I got you food."
(After they eat) "Hey, how did John taste seasoned and cooked?"
Billy: Hey kid, why are you sad?
Orphan: Oh, I'm waiting for my parents.
Billy: Oh, and how long have you been here?
Orphan: About 200 years.
Hi, I’m Joe.
British emo people be like, "Oi, I'm upset."
"Kylin milks me all day like I'm a cow."
Q: What did the stop light say to the other stop light?
A: Stop looking, I’m changing!
How do you make a body disappear?
You use an axe, black plastic bags, a forest, a shovel, and some ice cream because killing someone and chopping them up and digging holes in the ground and putting dirt over them is a lot of hard work!
P.S., I'm joking and don't condone these actions.
I'm so poor that when robbers break into my house,
they bring me things. <_>
Women are like blackjack. I’m trying for 21, but I always hit on 9.
Fineman, Einstein, and Schrodinger walked into a bar.
Fineman says, "It appears we're inside a joke."
Einstein says, "But only to an observer who saw us walk in simultaneously."
To which Schrodinger says, "If someone's looking through the window, I'm leaving!"
Guys, I'm back...
Here's my joke:
What is blue and red all over?
Blood in the water of a shark attack victim.
Some guy asked me, "Are you better than my meat?" I said, "No, I'm not better, I just beat it all the time."
Why can't I get a girlfriend?
Because I'm a beta male simp.
Noose: "Hey man, wanna hang out?"
Corpse: "Sorry man, I'm dead inside."
Yo, dad is so stupid, he brought the milk after two years, and he said, "Oh, sorry son. I'm going back to the store. Bye."
Did you know that..
Studies show 9 in 10 Americans do not have basic math skills.
Oh, thank god I'm in that 1%.
Doctor: You should stop masturbating.
Me: Doc, I'm almost done.
Mom: Let's have an adoption party!
Kid: *cries*
Mom: What's wrong?
Kid: I'M ADOPTED????