Im jokes

Today I'm attaching a light to the ceiling, but I'm afraid I'll probably screw it up.

There are 206 bones in the human body.

207 when I'm at a nursery.

"I work with animals," a guy says to his date.

"That's so sweet," she replies. "I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?"

"I'm a butcher," he replies.

What do you call it when a man named Ned works at Panera Bread?

Panera Ned.

I'm on a roll with my jokes, right now!

Orphan: I'm hungry.

Dad: Let's go to KFC.

Orphan 2: Boy, you don't got a dad!

I was sitting in class, and the teacher said he wasn't disappointed in me and my best friend, but not so much in me.

I looked at my best friend and said, "I'm a disappointment to the teacher, too."

What do lesbians and turtles have in common?

They both eat plastic. (I'm sorry to the lesbians out there; this is a joke, not real.)

"Hey, I heard you were a bit down—where's John?"

"He died."

"Oh, I'm so sorry, but I got you food."

(After they eat) "Hey, how did John taste seasoned and cooked?"

I'm gonna blow out your lungs faster than Joe Biden thinks is possible with a 9mm.

"Kylin milks me all day like I'm a cow."

I'm dead serious about Kobe: Kobe in heaven...

I got in trouble in school today. The teacher said, "I'm gonna call your parents!"

I said, "Let me know when you find them." <3

I'm going to burn Braden Mitchell Kniffen's house down.

I'm such a good babysitter because the last person I babysat was so flat.

Billy: Hey kid, why are you sad?

Orphan: Oh, I'm waiting for my parents.

Billy: Oh, and how long have you been here?

Orphan: About 200 years.

Hi, I’m Joe.

British emo people be like, "Oi, I'm upset."

Student: It's hot in here.

Teacher: That's because I'm in here.

A cop pulls me over and asks if I have been drinking.

I'm an honest person and say yes, I did, so I take off my sunglasses and tell him that I now had 2 glasses less.

Kid walks in the door. "Mommy and Daddy, I'm home." Mommy and Daddy meanwhile in their room moaning. Kid runs to them thinking they're hurt and sees something he definitely shouldn't have.

10 minutes later, [he] kills himself.