Im jokes

I'm going to burn Braden Mitchell Kniffen's house down.

What do lesbians and turtles have in common?

They both eat plastic. (I'm sorry to the lesbians out there; this is a joke, not real.)

I got in trouble in school today. The teacher said, "I'm gonna call your parents!"

I said, "Let me know when you find them." <3

I ran into a kid today. Now I'm in jail and I lost my driver's license.

I'm gonna blow out your lungs faster than Joe Biden thinks is possible with a 9mm.

A cop pulls me over and asks if I have been drinking.

I'm an honest person and say yes, I did, so I take off my sunglasses and tell him that I now had 2 glasses less.

I'm dead serious about Kobe: Kobe in heaven...

I tell my therapist I’m scared of the 3rd, 9th, and 15th letter of the alphabet.

Doctor: Oh, I see.

Me: Ahhhh!!!!!

I'm such a good babysitter because the last person I babysat was so flat.

British emo people be like, "Oi, I'm upset."

Kid walks in the door. "Mommy and Daddy, I'm home." Mommy and Daddy meanwhile in their room moaning. Kid runs to them thinking they're hurt and sees something he definitely shouldn't have.

10 minutes later, [he] kills himself.

Hello ppls, I'm lilkitten ig.

"Hey, I heard you were a bit down—where's John?"

"He died."

"Oh, I'm so sorry, but I got you food."

(After they eat) "Hey, how did John taste seasoned and cooked?"

Billy: Hey kid, why are you sad?

Orphan: Oh, I'm waiting for my parents.

Billy: Oh, and how long have you been here?

Orphan: About 200 years.

Hi, I’m Joe.

Student: It's hot in here.

Teacher: That's because I'm in here.

I wasn't going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict. So I'm going home for the hollandaise.

God: I feel like I'm forgetting something... oh no, Earth! *sees it on fire* Oh, it's fine.

People of Earth: *running and screaming*

Santen: *to God* Really?

"Kylin milks me all day like I'm a cow."

I’m going to reenact the ending of Saw (2004), except I won’t stand up and shut the door.