Im jokes
After I see an anime boy acting cool,
Me at school acting cool:
My brothers: "He's just acting cool."
Me: I'm gonna kill u 0.0
I came across a pic of the oldest man on earth on IG. He was 132 years old.
I commented "age is just a number" for him; now I'm banned.
I’m always the first person in line at school for lunch.
I just cut everyone.
What did the Titanic say as it sank?
I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge!
"I work with animals," a guy says to his date.
"That's so sweet," she replies. "I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?"
"I'm a butcher," he replies.
Orphan: I'm hungry.
Dad: Let's go to KFC.
Orphan 2: Boy, you don't got a dad!
Man: Aw man, I'm having a bad day.
Man's friend: Same.
Man: So why did you have a bad day? My brother got hit by the school bus.
Man's friend: I got fired as a bus driver.
Man: Oh great heavens!
I identify as the Titanic, because I'm a wreck.
Me: Y’all should start calling me 1943.
Friend: Why?
Me: 'Cause I’m going through my own Great Depression.
Your girlfriend/boyfriend says: "I'm dating your uncle..." You start crying and you look under the bed and your uncle says: "Damn."
Pilot: So Kobe, it seems like you’re not going to make it to your destination in time, so I’m going to put it on autopilot so I can find a place to fill with gas.
Kobe: Take us to the side of that mountain at full speed. I don’t really want to go to the event anymore.
Son asks dad, "How much does marriage cost?"
Dad: "I don’t know, son. I’m still paying for it."
Roses are red, Violets are blue, With every beat of my heart, I'm devoted to you.
Little Johnny is with his dad behind a garbage truck when a dildo thumps the windshield.
To protect Little Johnny's innocence, he says, "That was an insect."
Little Johnny replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"
A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating."
The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!"
The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."
What did Daveon say when he saw a spider? "I'm Dave-on with this!"
One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage.
I accidentally texted my wife, "I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."
A riddle: My enemy is the Joker, I'm black and I help to save Gotham City. Who am I?
My screen lock is my favorite picture of my wife. When I'm on a 14-hour shift, being miserable, hating my life... I pull out my phone and gaze at the picture of my wife. Then I realize it's better here than at home with her ass.
I’m really good at algebra. I can replace your X without even asking Y.