Im jokes

Bob the Golden Retriever and Lily the Husky were talking at Bob's house.

Lily: Bob, do you think I'm fat?

Bob: No, Lily, of course not! You're just a little husky!!!! Lol. Golden Retrievers are funny.

[God creating sharks]

God: Ok give them 3 rows of teeth.

Angel: Seems excessive but ok.

God: And make them mean as hell.

Angel: WTF y.

God: BECAUSSE I SAID SO.

Angel:...

God: And make one of the types have a hammer for a head.

Angel: Why do I still work for you?

God: Because I’m the only employer as of right now.

Puns about air conditioning. I'm not a fan.

Swiggity swooty, I'm coming for that booty!

What did Pepper say to Spray?

"Hey Spray, I'm Pepper, and I think we should fight crime!"

Who deleted my stuff??? Woooow, you racist just because I'm Hispanic?

"Wanna hear a construction joke?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Wait, I'm still working on it!"

I'm a family doctor and I wish I could help but... you're an orphan.

I saw a man today wearing a t-shirt that said "I'm with stupid."

I told him, "You know, that's not very nice."

He looked at me and said, "I'm with stupid, too."

I'm life.

A husband got a message from his neighbor one day. It read, "Hey, I'm sorry I had to tell you like this but I have been doing your wife for months now." The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife. He hid the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying, "Sorry, meant using your wifi."

H: *walks into bedroom* Why are you packing your bags?

W: I heard in New York women get paid $400 for what I do for you for free.

*Later that day*

W: *walks into the bedroom to see husband packing his bags* What are you doing?

H: I’m going with you. I want to see how you live off of $800 a year.

The teacher of the ELA class said that whoever answers this next question gets to go home. Then a kid sitting next to the window threw his bag out the window. Teacher asked who threw that, he said, "Me, I'm going home." Before he could move the teacher pointed a ruler at him and said, "At the end of this ruler is an idiot," he got suspended for asking which end.

I'd tell you a joke about infinity, but I'm afraid it will never end.

I work at a tire shop.

I'm pretty tired.

Cancer is so easy to beat. I'm already at stage four!

My friend: What are you doing?

Me: I'm making holy water.

My friend: How?

Me: I'm boiling the hell out of it.

I'm going to your mom's house. Can you help me, planet?

I'm like a broken refrigerator, cool but broken inside.

"Oh daddy," the kid said. "I love you so much!"

"Hey," the man responded. "Until we get the DNA test results, I'm just Harry to you!"