If jokes

If you believe in Allah, you will go straight to heaven, Mashallah! 😍

If you're ever bored, just punch an orphan because what are they gonna do? Tell their parents?

If I was going to the doctor, he asked me to turn around, and he stuck a nettle in my ass.

You can't put an orphan on house arrest if there isn't a house to arrest them to.

I never feel offended if my friends don't wish me a happy birthday.

Because that's what I want.

If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.

It's illegal to go onto someone's property, demand money that they might not have while wearing all black, and threaten horrible things if they don't pay.

But when the IRS does it, it's perfectly fine. HMMMMM . . .

If cops are called pigs, then security guards are piglets.

Stephen Hawking drove too far from the wall and unplugged.

He also forgot to pay the power bill.

If you replaced the boss in Portal with a boy, you would hear Stephen Hawking.

Everyone is talking about Head and Shoulders, and that if he never had a shower, his batteries would have got wet.

If Stephen Hawking is ill, does he go to the doctors or Currys PC World?

A man walks into a bar and sees a piece of steak on the ceiling.

The cashier says, "If you can grab it, your meal's free!"

The man then said, "Nah, the stakes are too high."

It's okay to tell a Stephen Hawking joke if there are stairs in your house he can't get to you. Plus, he shut himself down, so it's all good :)

I asked my friend if they wanted to hear a joke about sodium, and they said, "Na."

If you're having a bad day, just remember the Blobfish exists.

If Stephen Hawking had a FIFA card, he would have 99 dribble.

If you're Canadian in the kitchen, then what are you in the bathroom?

European.

If I found BlessedBrian's jokes FUNNY, I would be just as retarded as HIM.

A fish was swimming around in a pond when he noticed a fly flying around about six inches above the water. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, I could have myself a nice meal."

There was a bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, that fish will come up for that fly, and I can catch that fish and have myself a nice meal."

There was a hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, the fish will get the fly, the bear will go for the fish, and I can shoot the bear and have myself a nice meal."

There was a mouse watching the hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, the fish will get the fly, the bear will get the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, drop his sandwich and I can have myself a nice meal."

There was a cat in a tree watching the mouse watching the hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, the fish will get the fly, the bear will get the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, drop his sandwich, the mouse will go for the sandwich, and I can catch that mouse and have myself a nice meal."

Then it all happened.

The fly dropped six inches.

The fish came up and caught the fly.

The bear came out and caught the fish.

The hunter got up to shoot the bear and dropped his sandwich.

The mouse went for the sandwich.

The cat jumped from the tree, missed, and landed in the pond.

The lesson that can be learned here is that every time a fly drops six inches, a pussy gets wet.

Student: There are 505 rocks in a car. If 8 fall out, how many are left?

Teacher: There will be 497 rocks left.

Student: Ok!!

Student: How do you put an alligator in a closet?

Teacher: You can't, it won't fit.

Student: No!! Just open the door, put the alligator in, then close the door.

Teacher: Ohhh, now I get it.