If jokes

What's the best response to a girl saying, 'What's up?'

'If I tell you, will you sit on it?'

Donald Trump is to white Americans as O.J. Simpson is to black Americans. They will never choose to convict these people even if they murdered or raped.

If Charlie Kirk were a 5-year-old schoolkid being murdered, America would have moved on by now.

My wife and I watched the movie Indecent Proposal last night. Afterwards, I asked her if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for $1,000,000. She said, "Sure, but where am I gonna get that kind of money?"

A boy is working on his English homework and asks his father for some help. "Dad, what's the difference between 'potential' and 'reality'?"

His dad replies, "I'll tell you what. Go ask your mother if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for a million bucks. Then go ask your sister if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks. Once you have their answers, you'll know the difference."

So the boy goes to his mother and poses the question: "Would she sleep with Robert Redford for a million bucks?"

She answers, "Don't tell your Dad, but yes, I certainly would!"

The boy then goes to his sister and asks her his next question: "Would she sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks?"

"Oh definitely!" she answers, without a moment's thought.

The boy goes back to his father, an expression of understanding on his face.

"You're right, Dad, I know the difference now. Potentially, we're sitting on two million bucks. In reality, we're living with a couple of sluts."

What should you do if the dishwasher breaks?

Kick her.

One day I was walking next to a homeless man, and he was eating grass. I asked him if he was hungry. He said yes. I said, "Follow me." You should have seen his face when I showed him my backyard!

It’s not cheating if you’re all siblings.

If a woman named Susan gets murdered, is it considered a Sue-icide?

If a pregnant emo kills herself, is that murder-suicide or just abortion?

The interviewer asked me if I had a criminal record when I was requesting Australian citizenship.

I replied, "No. Is that still required?"

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple 'thank you' is all I need.

Not all this 'How did you get in my house?' business.

If a stork brings white babies, and a blackbird black babies, what bird brings no babies?

A swallow.

What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? “If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.”

How can you tell if your husband is dead?

The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.

If a midget says your hair smells nice, is that sexual harassment?

What do bungee jumping and a gay man have in common?

If the rubber breaks, they're in beep shit.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Tell her to slow down and use lubricants.

I'm okay with giving babies iPads, as long as the baby has anencephaly.

You can't get brain rot if you don't have a brain!

What happens if a cookie turns emo?

It becomes a cookie cutter.