If jokes

I asked a person in a wheelchair if they wanted to fight. All I had to do is say, "Stand up!"

Why is bungee jumping similar to a condom?

Because if the rubber snaps, you're fucked.

Little Jim's friend told him that if he farts, he will give him a tenner. Little Jim tries to fart, but he poos himself, and he is bullied until he puts the poo on the bullies' face.

"Rajesh get on bus, so many people, squeeze here squeeze there. He daydream about naughty stuff, like coffee spill but not coffee. Bus move, stop, he press close to pretty lady, she smell nice. Rajesh think how funny if something else spill, make whole bus ride wild." He laugh to self, bus ride never boring now!

If someone licks your elbow, you won't feel it.

If you put your ear up to someone's leg, you can hear them say, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!"

It’s OK if emo kids always hang from the trees, but if we do it, it’s considered against the law.

I wonder if Kobe Bryant enjoyed his last flight.

Roses are red, violets are blue, and if you're my friend, I'll be there till the end.

It's not incest if you're adopted.

What’s the difference between weed and pussy?

If you can smell weed from across the room, it means the weed's good.

If at first you don't succeed, blame it on the patriarchy.

"Just say NO to drugs!" Well, if I'm talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7's and 8's.

If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

Your hairline is so far back that if you were a backbencher in class and I was a germ sitting on it, I would think that the rest of the backbenchers are seated in front of the class.

I told my brother if he wanted to have a wonderful first day of school, then he should put a cookbook in the women's sports section at the school library.

What do orgasms and impulses have in common?

I don’t care if they have either of them.

What would Donald Trump be if he was Black?

Shot in the head.

Went home with a woman last night. I was greeted at the door by a Mongrel.

I say Mongrel, it was her Down syndrome son trying to process if I was a stranger or not.

An optimist says, "The glass is half full."

A pessimist says, "The glass is half empty."

A scientist walks by and says, "You guys are both wrong. The glass is technically completely full because it is half filled with air."

Then Africa comes by and says, "Stop arguing. At least you guys have water!"