If jokes
Why do you need an AR-15?
So my son can use it if he's being bullied at school.
If Pete and Chasten Buttigieg had a baby, it would be a turd covered in semen.
If Fascism got popularized by autistics, the trains would have run on time.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.
Husband: "Honey, I just bought these special Olympic-style condoms!"
Wife: "Olympic-style condoms? What makes them so special?"
Husband: "They come in three colors: gold, silver, and bronze."
Wife: "Ooh, sweet. What color are you going to wear tonight?"
Husband: "Gold, of course!"
Wife: "Why don't you wear silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change."
A young man was crossing the road when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess." The man took the frog, smiled at it, and put it in his wallet.
The frog called out again, "If you kiss me and I turn into a princess, I will live with you for a week and do everything you want." The young man took the frog out, smiled, and put it back.
Then the frog called out, "Okay, okay! I will be with you and do whatever you want forever!" The young man laughed and put it back in his wallet.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is wrong with you? I'm offering to be a beautiful princess! Why won't you kiss me?"
The young man said, "Listen, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is pretty cool."
If the US ate chicken, it would die.
If someone says 67 one more time, I'll say 9/11 and swoop right under their feet like the Twin Towers.
Q: What kind of person has 100% ambition and never gives up if someone gets in their way?
A: A rapist.
I'm not saying you're annoying.
But if a yeast infection were a person, it would be you.
The great meme reset is like a fart. If you force it, it's gonna be shit.
If your wife has boxes and boxes ending up at your front door from her online shopping habit, tell her that you’ve only had one box through the marriage and that she should be happy.
If Eve sacrificed the human race for an apple, what would she do for a Klondike bar?
What would Hitler do if he was in Minecraft?
Mien.
How can you tell if someone Amish is an alcoholic? They keep falling off the wagon.
Why don't orphans like getting lost?
Because if people find them, they ask, "Where are your parents?"
If someone calls you fat, just ignore them. You are bigger than that!
I'm sure you could be the smartest person in your class.
If it were a class for the profoundly retarded.
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."
The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."
If you think I would joke about Alzheimer's, forget it.