Husband Jokes

Wife: Honey! Do you like tea? Husband : No, I like after "T"! .............. It means: the letter "U" : you!

My wife still misses me...

But her aim is getting better!

Once I went to watch a match in protugol it was between penaldo and his kids the Refree was Georgiana(his wife) mpaypal and igayspeed were also there the match begin and his kids scored 2 goals in first 10 minutes and during when match was about to end penaldo got angry and asked his wife for penalties his wife declined and he tortured and beat her up and took 10 penalties (missed 7 of them ) but won 3-2. Shame on u penaldo 😡😡😡

How do you know if your wife is dead?

Sex is the same, but the dishes keep piling up.

*a married woman gets hit by a truck and the cops tell her husband Cop: sir, it looks like your wife’s been hit by a truck Man; I know but she has a great personality

My husband left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

I don't want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.

I asked my wife to embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

One late night, my wife caught me standing in front of the freezer.

She asked me, "What are you doing?"

I replied "I'm making a pink yeti."

She asked "What does that mean?"

I said "I left our kid in the freezer for a couple hours."

There’s a woman cutting onions who is her husband walks in and starts crying onions was a good dog

Wife: Honey, i love you

Husband: i love you all

Wife: awwww.......... Wait WHAT ?!?!??!

Wife is texting husband- Honey if I give you 300 dollars will you stop being blind? husband-seilghsielguG Wife- seriously David Husband-fuweyadb

What do you call a wife who knows where her husband is at all times?

A widow.

So I was at the store and I saw a pretty Woman and i said hi and quickly she said i am not interested I have a husband and when i saw the woman again she said i need help i said no Call you husband KARMA 😂😂😜

What’s pink, nine inches, and makes my wife cry when I shove it down her throat?

Her Miscarriage

A man walked into the kitchen and asked his blonde wife, what she was doing, she said, "I'm trying to do this jigsaw puzzle, it's supposed to be a tiger but all of the pieces are brown." Her husband then said, "honey those are frosted flakes."

Guy tells his pal...My wife is expecting. We're going to the clinic to see if it's a girl or boy. "Congrats man...what are you gonna name it if it's a boy? .... We're going with Trevor. Ok, what if it's a girl?... then we'll have an abortion.

What do you call a woman with magical abilities and an android? Wanda Maximoff and Vision!!!!! Or.... Scarlet Witch and Vision!!!!!!! This joke was added to celebrate and honour Marvel Studios new series: WandaVision!!!!!!

A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. The daughter says "God bless Mummy and God Bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad." The father says, "Good bye Grandad? Why is that?" The daughter says, "Just because I felt like it." The next day, Grandad drops dead. The father can't believe the coincidence, but decided not to question it. That night, he listens to the daughter's prayers again. She says, "God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The father is shocked again and asks his daughter why, but she says again, "Just because I felt like it." The next day, the Grandma drops dead and now the Father is getting worried but doesn't know what to do, so he tries to forget about it. That night, he listens to his daughter again and she says, "God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy." The father is now terrified and goes to work the next day sweating, cancels all of his meetings, and hides in his office for the whole day. He doesn't go home and stays there until midnight. He's very surprised. 'I've cheated death!' he thinks to himself, then rushes home. His wife asks, "Where have you been?!" and the husband says, "Oh don't ask me any questions, today's been miserable." The wife replies, "Your days been miserable? Well, listen to my day! Firstly, the milk man drops dead on the porch..."