My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and left. Right?
my wife and I have decided that we do not want children. If anybody does, please send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
I told my husband he should embrace his mistakes.
He hugged me!
My wife (or husband) told me to get six cans of Sprite from the grocery store.
I had just realized when I got home that I had picked up 7-Up.
My wife is pregnant, but when we get to the doctors, something happened...
What happened?
Answer: The husband is pregnant too, with someone else’s baby, not the wife’s baby, but the wife is pregnant with his baby.
A married woman asked her husband if he saw the future. The husband answered her, "I have no eye, dear."
If you get a divorce with your husband, does that still mean you’re siblings?
I come in from work to see my wife dead on the sofa. As I unzip for one last ride, she says, "BOO!" What kind of a dick fuck does that!
A few days after her husband’s death, a widow accidentally receives an email from a man waiting for his wife in Spain.
The email reads: "Dearest Wife, just got checked in. Everything [is] prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P. S. It’s really hot down here!"
Husband: Honey, do you want sex?
Wife: No, thanks, I have a headache.
Husband: Is that your final answer?
Wife: Mmmmm.
Husband: Are you sure?
Wife: Yes.
Husband: No doubts?
Wife: No.
Husband staring a long time at his wife.
Husband: Okay, I wanna use my lifeline to call a friend.
Husband: Dammit, Alice! I'm your husband, and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you!
Wife: Go to hell, Bob! I'm leaving!
Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.
Two women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.
Emma turns to Jane and says, "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"
Jane replies with, "I burnt to death."
Emma, shocked, responds with, "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"
Jane answers with, "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"
Emma replies with, "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."
Jane retorts with, "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."
A woman walks into a dentist's office, sits on the counter, and spreads her legs.
The dentist says, "I think you have the wrong idea with that." The woman replies, "Last week you gave my husband his false teeth; now you can get them out."
My wife wanted to make a joke about domestic abuse, but I beat her to it.
The other day my wife said, "Take me someplace I have never been before!" I said, "Why don't you try the kitchen?"
I like my bread how I like my wife: cold and stiff.
My wife left a note on the fridge. The note read, "It's not working." I don't know what she's talking about. I opened the fridge, and it worked fine!
My wife accused me of being immature, so I kicked her out of my "boys fort."
Husband: Can we try anal tonight? Wife: Fuck that shit! Husband: That's the spirit!
Chuck Norris is the only man that ever had sex with my wife and survived. Oh, how did I survive?
Fortunately, being her husband, I was the one person she wasn't fucking.
