Husband Jokes

My wife is pregnant, but when we get to the doctors, something happened...

What happened?

Answer: The husband is pregnant too, with someone else’s baby, not the wife’s baby, but the wife is pregnant with his baby.

A married woman asked her husband if he saw the future. The husband answered her, "I have no eye, dear."

I got my husband a fridge for his birthday. His face lit up when he opened it.

My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and left. Right?

My wife and I have decided that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

The image is split into two sections. The top section shows Hillary Clinton with text that reads "Women have always been the primary victims of war. Women lose their husbands, their fathers, their sons in combat. - Hillary Clinton". The bottom section shows a man looking sad with text that reads "MEN HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THE PRIMARY VICTIMS OF RAPE. IT HAPPENS TO THEIR WIVES, THEIR MOTHERS, AND THEIR DAUGHTERS."

I come in from work to see my wife dead on the sofa. As I unzip for one last ride, she says, "BOO!" What kind of a dick fuck does that!

If you get a divorce with your husband, does that still mean you’re siblings?

A few days after her husband’s death, a widow accidentally receives an email from a man waiting for his wife in Spain.

The email reads: "Dearest Wife, just got checked in. Everything [is] prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P. S. It’s really hot down here!"

I went to see my dentist, and she warned me it was going to hurt. Then, she told me she was having an affair with my husband. Good news though...the cleaning didn't hurt.

Husband: Honey, do you want sex?

Wife: No, thanks, I have a headache.

Husband: Is that your final answer?

Wife: Mmmmm.

Husband: Are you sure?

Wife: Yes.

Husband: No doubts?

Wife: No.

Husband staring a long time at his wife.

Husband: Okay, I wanna use my lifeline to call a friend.

Husband: Dammit, Alice! I'm your husband, and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you!

Wife: Go to hell, Bob! I'm leaving!

Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.

Two women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.

Emma turns to Jane and says, "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"

Jane replies with, "I burnt to death."

Emma, shocked, responds with, "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"

Jane answers with, "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"

Emma replies with, "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."

Jane retorts with, "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."

A woman walks into a dentist's office, sits on the counter, and spreads her legs.

The dentist says, "I think you have the wrong idea with that." The woman replies, "Last week you gave my husband his false teeth; now you can get them out."