random Couple after their first night : Husband: it was very tasty.🥵 wife: aww thanks. Hus: does anyone had taste it before? wife:☠️
My husband asked me to get 6 cans of Sprite at the store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7Up.
Chuck Norris is the only man that ever had sex with my wife and survived. Oh how did I survive. Fortunately being her husband I was the 1 person she wasn't fucking.
My wife accused me of being immature, so I kicked her out of my "boys fort"...
I told my wife* she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked at me surprised
*(P.S. I am not at that age plus I am as straight as an helix ruler)
My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I personally am on the fence.
An older retired couple - the wife had grown tired of her husband farting in bed each night. One morning she put some chicken parts under the blankets in bed next to him and went off to make some coffee, A few minutes later she hears a loud fart followed by a blood curdling scream. He comes out after awhile and says, "Hon, you were right that I would fart my guts out. Took me the longest to put them back in".
my wife and I have decided that we do not want children. If anybody does, please send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
What made Adam and Eve's marriage perfect?
He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about his Mom's cooking.
The pinnacle of loyalty is that an ant married an elephant, and after he died, she spent her entire life burying him :)
My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
A woman having labor suddenly shouted; “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said Doc to the worried husband.
“Those are just contractions.”
How did "Bloody Mary" become a thing? Because her husband beat her bloody when she didn't stay in the kitchen.
My Mrs is going to hit the roof when she realises I've replaced the bed with a trampoline !
Man walks in to his bedroom where his wish is carrying a sheep under his arm and says this is the pig I've been fucking.wife says that's not a pig that's a sheep dumbass.husband says I was talking to the sheep
I caught my wife cheating on me. I beet my son and grounded him.
I caught my wife this morning gazing at our marriage license of long ago that hangs upon our wall with tears in her eye! Almost got teary eyed myself until she told me she was only looking for the expiration date!
Wife: “I want another baby” Husband: “That’s a relief, I also really don’t like this one”
A wife and husband go to a barn, the husband picks up a goat and says “Look at this pig I have to sleep with every night.” The wife says “Honey that’s a goat.” The husband replies with “I was talking to the goat.”
What did the Chinese man say to the to his wife? I'll chin you later
