Husband Jokes

my grandma told me i was next at my brothers wedding so i told her she was next at her husband's funeral

So this dude comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network. The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still cant cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still cant f*ck."

random Couple after their first night : Husband: it was very tasty.🥵 wife: aww thanks. Hus: does anyone had taste it before? wife:☠️

I told my wife* she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked at me surprised

*(P.S. I am not at that age plus I am as straight as an helix ruler)

My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I personally am on the fence.

Young Couple gets banned from church.

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.

After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no problem!"So the minister welcomes them to the church.

Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question "Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.

Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.

"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me! I took her right there."

"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

"We understand," says the husband, "We were banned from the grocery store, too."

A wife and husband go to a barn, the husband picks up a goat and says “Look at this pig I have to sleep with every night.” The wife says “Honey that’s a goat.” The husband replies with “I was talking to the goat.”

A woman having labor suddenly shouted; “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry,” said Doc to the worried husband.

“Those are just contractions.”

The pinnacle of loyalty is that an ant married an elephant, and after he died, she spent her entire life burying him :)

My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

Wife: “I want another baby” Husband: “That’s a relief, I also really don’t like this one”

My Mrs is going to hit the roof when she realises I've replaced the bed with a trampoline !

How did "Bloody Mary" become a thing? Because her husband beat her bloody when she didn't stay in the kitchen.

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

Wife: looks in the mirror Wife: i look fat can you say something positive husband: at least your eyes work

Man walks in to his bedroom where his wish is carrying a sheep under his arm and says this is the pig I've been fucking.wife says that's not a pig that's a sheep dumbass.husband says I was talking to the sheep

I caught my wife cheating on me. I beet my son and grounded him.

I caught my wife this morning gazing at our marriage license of long ago that hangs upon our wall with tears in her eye! Almost got teary eyed myself until she told me she was only looking for the expiration date!