Humor

My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.

Santa and Bill Cosby's favorite quote: "Don't be dumb, make sure they're numb, and always use a condom!"

Confucius say:

"Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day."

What is the difference between the President of Ukraine and the President of the United States?

The President of Ukraine is a comedian, and the President of the United States is a joke!

I went to my boss's funeral and knelt down to his coffin and whispered, "Whose late now?"

For boys, life is a lot like a penis: simple, soft, straight, relaxed, and hanging freely......... then a woman makes it really hard.😩😉😏

My therapist said: "Time heals all wounds."

I shot her, now we wait.

what do you call a terrorist attack in india?

a wednesday.

Why did the girl rage badly when she got an D- on her essay?

Because the teacher said she missed all her periods.

Can February march? -- No, but April may.

Q: What did the cannibal shout when his friend fell on the floor?

A: "FIVE SECOND RULE!"

What do you call a group of depressed kids?

Suicide squad.

If you are ever bored, punch an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?

I told someone some jokes, y'know? "Fruit Ninja," "barcode legs," "French puppet thigh wrings." And she was like saying that's not cool and stuff. So she reported me, and it was like:

The counselor: "So I've heard you've been making sh jokes?" Me: "You say it like it's a bad thing." Her: "It is." Me: "Chill bro, it ain't that deep. Don't worry I'll end it :)"

Jack and Jill went up a hill so Jack could eat her candy. But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of c*** because Jill's real name is Randy.

Patient to doctor: "Will I be ok, Doc?"

Doctor: "I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus now."

Patient: "I don't do that astrology stuff."

Doctor: "Nor me. My thermometer just broke."

Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.

So I went to my friend's funeral today. As we were all leaving, a kid put a "get well soon" card next to my friend's grave. 'Poor kid'.

Ran out of toilet paper, so had to start using lettuce leaves... today was the tip of the iceberg.

So, a guy is evading the draft. The cops bang on his door, and he runs out the back, through an alleyway onto a road. He finds a nun and asks if he can hide under her blouse. She complies, and the cops walk by and don't see them. The man comes back up from under the nun's blouse and says, "Hey man, you've got a pair of balls!" The nun says, "I didn't wanna be drafted either..."