Humor
I don't get why people don't like my abortion jokes. Do they have a stick up their ass? Wait, that's the other hole.
Line (DYM 105)
Do you know Candice?
"Candice balls" fit in yo mouth.
A girl named Ranch went to the store and stayed there. Why? Because she was ranched!
Your mum is so ugly she made Paul Walker run.
What is red, bubbling, and scratching at a window?
A baby in the microwave.
Worst joke.
I saw a kid crying today and asked them, "Where are your parents?"
God, I love working at an orphanage!
STOP THE FRICKING ORPHAN JOKES!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP THEM NOW! STOP THEM NOW NOW NOW N.O.W.
"Gaining weight is gonna be a piece of cake."
English: It's the story of two potatoes, one gets mashed and the other screams “Oh mash!”
French: C’est l’histoire de deux pommes de terre. Une d’elles se fait écraser et l’autre s’écrie “Oh purée!”
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wipe his ass.
What do the initials BIBLE stand for?
"Bullshit In Book Lacking Evidence."
Here’s another joke my friend told me.
What did the school shooter do when the librarian told him to be quiet? Pulled out a silencer.
"Babe, is it in?" "Yeah." "Does it hurt?" "Uh-huh." "Let me put it in slowly." "It still hurts." "Okay, let's try another shoe size."
What is a redneck's favorite sock?
A red sock.
A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion.
"What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.
"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job," replied the Priest.
"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.
"Well, next I can become Bishop," said the Priest.
"Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.
"If I work real hard and do a good job as Bishop, it's possible for me to become an Archbishop," said the Priest.
"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.
The Priest, beginning to get a bit exasperated, replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."
"And then?" asked the Rabbi.
The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."
"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.
"Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"
"Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"
You know they say, when you get lemons make lemonade... Well, I took that a little bit too literal.
Turns out squeezing your wife's tits as hard as you can hurts them.
But at least lemonade came out!
Butt hehe.
What's got 5 arms, 3 legs, and 2 feet? The finish line at the Boston Marathon.
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.