Humor
If things don't get better, the Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging.
How many brain cells does a pregnant blonde have?
Two, one for her and one for the baby.
Mom: Are you seriously gonna die?
Me: No. Don't worry. Suicide is the last thing I'll do.
What's the difference between my dad and the milk man? The milk man comes back with the goddamn milk.
A scarecrow got promoted because he was outstanding in his field.
Me: I look up to you.
Friend: Wow, thanks!
Me: But in general cuz your so tall.
I will always remember my grandfather's last words: "I'll just check if it's poisonous."
Is it still stand-up comedy if the comedian doesn't have legs?
Your birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory.
Where did Sarah go after the bombing?
Everywhere. 💀
What’s the difference between jail and my basement?
Some people are let out of jail.
What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
Bone-appetit!
Why should you be wary of stairs? -- Because they are always up to something.
I'll never forget my sister's last words. "Is it edible?"
If you are ever bored, punch an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?
How do you think the unthinkable? With an iceberg.
I went to my boss's funeral and knelt down to his coffin and whispered, "Whose late now?"
Confucius say:
"Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day."
What’s the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before leaving the factory?
Two test tickles.
Q. What's a disabled person's favorite band?
A. System of a Down's syndrome.