The teacher asked her student to say the alphabet. The student recited the alphabet: "abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz". "Where's the p?" He looked down to the floor and said: "it's running down my legs".

Doctor: What makes you feel depressed?

Me: I used to work at the World Trade Center, before the plane hit.

Doctor: A lot of people fell to pieces after that.

A man is sitting on a bench at a playground where children are playing. A man named Chris comes up and asks, “Which one is yours?” The man said, “I don’t know, I’m still deciding.”

So we were working with a new client at work, and my boss farts. He said, "A little gas never killed anyone."

3

So I went to my friend's funeral today. As we were all leaving, a kid put a "get well soon" card next to my friend's grave. 'Poor kid'.

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Have you heard about the guy whose friends teased him because he pays for sex? He doesn't pay anymore.

6

Teacher: What does a pig give you?

Little Johnny: Bacon.

Teacher: Good, what does the sheep give you?

Little Johnny: Wool.

Teacher: What does the fat cow give you?

Little Johnny: Homework and says "leave motherf*cker".

5

Patient to doctor: "Will I be ok, Doc?"

Doctor: "I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus now."

Patient: "I don't do that astrology stuff."

Doctor: "Nor me. My thermometer just broke."

What do you do after your girlfriend with two broken legs dumps you?

Take her wheelchair, she'll come crawling back.

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