Humor

Mom: Are you seriously gonna die?

Me: No. Don't worry. Suicide is the last thing I'll do.

How many brain cells does a pregnant blonde have?

Two, one for her and one for the baby.

A scarecrow got promoted because he was outstanding in his field.

Why does Santa have three gardens?

So he can Hoe Hoe Hoe!

A friend called me a while back saying, "I have COVID.... I can't breathe, I really have a hard time breathing."

I reply saying, "Dude, you need to work on your George Floyd jokes."

Where did Sarah go after the bombing?

Everywhere. 💀

What’s the difference between jail and my basement?

Some people are let out of jail.

So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods.

The boy turns to the man and says, "Hey mister, it's getting dark out, and I’m scared... Can we go back now?"

So the man says: "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone!"

What do skeletons say before they begin dining?

Bone-appetit!

Why should you be wary of stairs? -- Because they are always up to something.

I'll never forget my sister's last words. "Is it edible?"

If you are ever bored, punch an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?

How do you think the unthinkable? With an iceberg.

Confucius say:

"Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day."

Santa and Bill Cosby's favorite quote: "Don't be dumb, make sure they're numb, and always use a condom!"

I went to my boss's funeral and knelt down to his coffin and whispered, "Whose late now?"

What is the difference between the President of Ukraine and the President of the United States?

The President of Ukraine is a comedian, and the President of the United States is a joke!

What’s the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before leaving the factory?

Two test tickles.

Q. What's a disabled person's favorite band?

A. System of a Down's syndrome.

My therapist said: "Time heals all wounds."

I shot her, now we wait.