Humor
What makes an ISIS joke funny?
The execution.
What do you call an Australian visiting the UK on holiday?
Returning to the scene of the crime.
Roses are red, violets are blue, you have a big forehead, and your hairline recedes too.
What's the difference between my dad and the milk man? The milk man comes back with the goddamn milk.
Me: I look up to you.
Friend: Wow, thanks!
Me: But in general cuz your so tall.
I will always remember my grandfather's last words: "I'll just check if it's poisonous."
A poster for the winter relief fund reads: "No one should be allowed to go hungry or suffer from the cold." A worker says to his friend, "Now were not even allowed to do that."
Women treat me like a god.
They ignore me till they need something.
Me: Wanna hear a joke about my chin?
Friend: Nah, dude. It'll be too long.
Is it still stand-up comedy if the comedian doesn't have legs?
My friend and I were joking about a kid in a wheelchair, and another kid came up and said to the wheelchair kid, "You should stand up for yourself."
Q: What is a lesbian's version of a cock block?
A: A beaver dam.
My friends were worried that I was making suicide jokes so much, so I said, "Don't worry, you won't have to hear them much longer."
What's white, sticky, and better to spit out then to swallow?
Toothpaste.
What is a prostitute's favorite form of traffic control?
Speed humps.
Why do dwarfs hate fast food restaurants? Cause most of them have medium and large.
If things don't get better, the Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging.
When Kenney goes down on his mom, does he taste vegetable or fish?
What do you call a lesbian with braces? A box cutter.
Mom: Are you seriously gonna die?
Me: No. Don't worry. Suicide is the last thing I'll do.