Humor

Women treat me like a god.

They ignore me till they need something.

Me: Wanna hear a joke about my chin?

Friend: Nah, dude. It'll be too long.

Why do dwarfs hate fast food restaurants? Cause most of them have medium and large.

If things don't get better, the Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging.

How many brain cells does a pregnant blonde have?

Two, one for her and one for the baby.

What do you call a lesbian with braces? A box cutter.

When Kenney goes down on his mom, does he taste vegetable or fish?

Mom: Are you seriously gonna die?

Me: No. Don't worry. Suicide is the last thing I'll do.

Dad: Hey son, wanna hear a joke?

Son: Sure thing, dad!

Dad: Your mother and I are getting a divorce. She found out that I was sleeping with the neighbor's dog!

Son: I don't get the joke, dad.

Dad: It's my life, son! My life is the joke.

A scarecrow got promoted because he was outstanding in his field.

What's the difference between my dad and the milk man? The milk man comes back with the goddamn milk.

I parked in a disabled space today...

...and a traffic warden shouted to me, “Oi, what's your disability?” I said “Tourettes! Now fuck off!”

Is it still stand-up comedy if the comedian doesn't have legs?

My friend and I were joking about a kid in a wheelchair, and another kid came up and said to the wheelchair kid, "You should stand up for yourself."

Roses are red, violets are blue, you have a big forehead, and your hairline recedes too.

What do you call an Australian visiting the UK on holiday?

Returning to the scene of the crime.

Me: I look up to you.

Friend: Wow, thanks!

Me: But in general cuz your so tall.

I will always remember my grandfather's last words: "I'll just check if it's poisonous."

During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die. A kid responds, "I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents' room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"

Where did Sarah go after the bombing?

Everywhere. 💀