Humor
Me: Wanna hear a joke about my chin?
Friend: Nah, dude. It'll be too long.
I parked in a disabled space today...
...and a traffic warden shouted to me, “Oi, what's your disability?” I said “Tourettes! Now fuck off!”
What do you call an Australian visiting the UK on holiday?
Returning to the scene of the crime.
Roses are red, violets are blue, you have a big forehead, and your hairline recedes too.
Enough with the Nazi jokes.
They make me führeious!
My friends were worried that I was making suicide jokes so much, so I said, "Don't worry, you won't have to hear them much longer."
What's white, sticky, and better to spit out then to swallow?
Toothpaste.
If things don't get better, the Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging.
Why do dwarfs hate fast food restaurants? Cause most of them have medium and large.
When Kenney goes down on his mom, does he taste vegetable or fish?
Dad: Hey son, wanna hear a joke?
Son: Sure thing, dad!
Dad: Your mother and I are getting a divorce. She found out that I was sleeping with the neighbor's dog!
Son: I don't get the joke, dad.
Dad: It's my life, son! My life is the joke.
What do you call a lesbian with braces? A box cutter.
Mom: Are you seriously gonna die?
Me: No. Don't worry. Suicide is the last thing I'll do.
Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can Hoe Hoe Hoe!
A scarecrow got promoted because he was outstanding in his field.
I will always remember my grandfather's last words: "I'll just check if it's poisonous."
What's the difference between my dad and the milk man? The milk man comes back with the goddamn milk.
How many brain cells does a pregnant blonde have?
Two, one for her and one for the baby.
Me: I look up to you.
Friend: Wow, thanks!
Me: But in general cuz your so tall.
What do you call 4 Mexicans stuck in quick sand?
Quatro Sinco.