Humor

So I went to my friend's funeral today. As we were all leaving, a kid put a "get well soon" card next to my friend's grave. 'Poor kid'.

Have you heard about the guy whose friends teased him because he pays for sex? He doesn't pay anymore.

Teacher: What does a pig give you?

Little Johnny: Bacon.

Teacher: Good, what does the sheep give you?

Little Johnny: Wool.

Teacher: What does the fat cow give you?

Little Johnny: Homework and says "leave motherf*cker".

It's only rape.

If she finds out.

Where did Sarah go after the bombing?

Everywhere. 💀

What’s the difference between jail and my basement?

Some people are let out of jail.

Patient to doctor: "Will I be ok, Doc?"

Doctor: "I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus now."

Patient: "I don't do that astrology stuff."

Doctor: "Nor me. My thermometer just broke."

*Hears the news about Sandy Hook* Person 1: "God, I can only imagine what was going through those kids' heads in the last moments of their lives..."

Person 2: "Probably Bullets."

Person 1: "OMG!! Can you even think of what their parents are going through?!"

Person 2: "Probably Coffin Brochures."

Person 1: "...."

Person 2: "It's called dark humor. Dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it."

What do you call a blind German?

A not see.

What do you call a private nun?

Nun-o-yo-business.

What do you do after your girlfriend with two broken legs dumps you?

Take her wheelchair, she'll come crawling back.

A man crashed his new expensive car into a tree. He now knew how the Mercedes bends.

I read a book on anti-gravity...

It was impossible to put down.

What is a Mexican’s favorite band?

Twenty Juan Pilots.

What's the worst part of a Down Syndrome relationship? There's more downs than ups!

What does a kid and wine have in common?

Shit, I forgot, but they're both locked in my cellar right now.

God said, "Let there be light." Chuck Norris said, "You have to say please first."

I got in touch with my inner self today, it's the last time I use 1-ply toilet roll.

Why don't orphans get offended by dark humor jokes?

It can't hit home.

What is more dangerous than Russian gangs?

Russian malls.