Humor
*Hears the news about Sandy Hook* Person 1: "God, I can only imagine what was going through those kids' heads in the last moments of their lives..."
Person 2: "Probably Bullets."
Person 1: "OMG!! Can you even think of what their parents are going through?!"
Person 2: "Probably Coffin Brochures."
Person 1: "...."
Person 2: "It's called dark humor. Dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it."
What do you call a blind German?
A not see.
What do you do after your girlfriend with two broken legs dumps you?
Take her wheelchair, she'll come crawling back.
A man crashed his new expensive car into a tree. He now knew how the Mercedes bends.
What is a Mexican’s favorite band?
Twenty Juan Pilots.
Memes
I read a book on anti-gravity...
It was impossible to put down.
What's the worst part of a Down Syndrome relationship? There's more downs than ups!
God said, "Let there be light." Chuck Norris said, "You have to say please first."
What does a kid and wine have in common?
Shit, I forgot, but they're both locked in my cellar right now.
I got in touch with my inner self today, it's the last time I use 1-ply toilet roll.
Why don't orphans get offended by dark humor jokes?
It can't hit home.
What is the difference between the President of Ukraine and the President of the United States?
The President of Ukraine is a comedian, and the President of the United States is a joke!
I think Paul Walker and 9/11 jokes are great, but when I tell them to others, they tend to crash and burn.
Orphan: "Why can’t I watch a PG movie?"
Me: "They are Parental Guidance."
Me: *Meets girl, starts to form crush* Me after I get enough courage to talk to her: “Are you a casket lid because I want you on top of me?”
“What do you call my friend group?” “Suicide Squad.”
What is more dangerous than Russian gangs?
Russian malls.
What do you call a cow 🐮 in an earthquake?
A milkshake.
An Asian man goes to the eye doctor.
The doctor says, "It looks like you have a cataract."
The Asian guy says, "No Doc, I drive a Rincoln."
Brian has a crush on a cute girl, Sally, from school, so he goes and tells his dad about her, and he says, "Sorry, son, you can't like her; she is your sister." So Brian is okay with it, and he starts to like another girl, Madison, and he goes up to his dad and says, "I have a crush on this girl, Madison," and again the dad goes, "Oh, sorry, son, you can't like any girl in school; they are all your sisters." So he goes crying to his mom and says, "Dad said I can't like any girl because they are all my sisters," and the mom goes, "Oh, it's okay; you can like any girl you want because he is not your dad."
Where can you never take an orphan to dinner?
Family restaurants.