Humor
Me: Why am I an orphan?
Friend: I don't know.
Me: Ask your mom.
How does an American know that his time has come?
He starts hearing Vietnamese.
Animal jokes, eh?
Toucan play at that game.
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a lil' boogie in it ;)
The doctor told me I'm color blind...
Me: That's out of the purple!
When other people tell a joke, 3/3 people laugh.
When I tell a joke, 1/3 people laugh, but 2/3 people stare into my soul.
What do you call a 3 humped camel?
Answer: a prostitute from New York. 😂😭💀
- Got myself a bathroom scale so now I know exactly how much I poop.
- Right. So you weigh yourself before and after you poop and calculate the difference? That’s cool.
- Oh...that might actually be even easier.
Me explaining my child: when your mom is sitting on a table during her period, it's called the periodic table.
Why do orphans love chips?
Because every bag of chips is family size.
Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?
You may be entitled to condensation.
Villager: KNOCK KNOCK
Steve: Who's there?
Villager: I'm not talking anymore.
Steve: I'm not talking anymore who?
One time a blind person grabbed my arm thinking it was something else.
"Oh wow, this is such an interesting book!"
It's only okay to beat up a dwarf when they walk up to your wife and say, "Your hair smells nice."
What do you call a kid with 15 nukes and a shotgun?
The final countdown.
What do you get when you put 2 nuns and a blond on a football field? 2 tight ends and a wide receiver.
What do you call a Turk eating turkey?
A cannibal.
My friend told me an emo joke once, and I said, "Emo jokes aren't funny, cut it out!"
Jesus lives on a long timeline, so he may seem slow to you.
Do you know pigeons die when they have sex?
I mean, the one I fucked died.