Humor

Yo mama is so ugly, her portraits hang themselves.

How do we know that Princess Diana had dandruff?

Because they found her head and shoulders in the glovebox.

So I went to my friend's funeral today. As we were all leaving, a kid put a "get well soon" card next to my friend's grave. 'Poor kid'.

Have you heard about the guy whose friends teased him because he pays for sex? He doesn't pay anymore.

Teacher: What does a pig give you?

Little Johnny: Bacon.

Teacher: Good, what does the sheep give you?

Little Johnny: Wool.

Teacher: What does the fat cow give you?

Little Johnny: Homework and says "leave motherf*cker".

It's only rape.

If she finds out.

What’s the difference between jail and my basement?

Some people are let out of jail.

Where did Sarah go after the bombing?

Everywhere. 💀

Patient to doctor: "Will I be ok, Doc?"

Doctor: "I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus now."

Patient: "I don't do that astrology stuff."

Doctor: "Nor me. My thermometer just broke."

What do you call a blind German?

A not see.

What do you call a private nun?

Nun-o-yo-business.

What do you do after your girlfriend with two broken legs dumps you?

Take her wheelchair, she'll come crawling back.

When I was teaching my dog tricks, a Chinese man came to me and asked, "Why were you playing with your food?"

A man crashed his new expensive car into a tree. He now knew how the Mercedes bends.

Man: "Is your body from McDonald's?"

Woman: "Why, because you're loving it?"

Man: "No, because it's fat and greasy."

I read a book on anti-gravity...

It was impossible to put down.

What is a Mexican’s favorite band?

Twenty Juan Pilots.

God said, "Let there be light." Chuck Norris said, "You have to say please first."

What does a kid and wine have in common?

Shit, I forgot, but they're both locked in my cellar right now.

What's the worst part of a Down Syndrome relationship? There's more downs than ups!