Humor
So, this guy, right? He has been through the worst shit in his life. He lost his house, his car, his wife, his kids, everything except his dog.
About 2 weeks after he loses everything, he goes to apply for a job. He attends work for the first 2 weeks to get his first paycheck and then calls in sick for about a month. He comes back to his boss' office after the month is over and his boss questions him. The man claims, "Sir, I was blowing chunks." "What do you mean by 'blowing chunks'?" says the boss. The man replies with, "Chunks is the name of my dog..."
Why can't I drink tea??
Because I laugh too much. TEEEEEHEHEEE
A woman just went through labor. She asked the doctor, "Was it a healthy delivery?" The doctor replies, "It wasn't delivery, it's DiGiorno."
Three nuns are having a charity in front of the church.
A man in a trench coat walks up and flashes the three nuns. The first nun had a stroke, the second nun had a stroke, but the third nun, her arm was too short.
Hellen Keller went to town riding a pony, stuck a feather in her hat, and called it an "Unnghhtpthhh!"
What did the shoe say to the other shoe?
Nothing, it was tied up in another conversation.
Why do orphans play GTA so much?
Because they can be wanted for once.
What did one skeleton say to the other?
Skeleton 1: "I need a hand!"
Skeleton 2: (Throws up hand)
Skeleton 1: "That wasn't very humerus."
Skeleton 2: "Why do you have to be so heartless?"
Skeleton 1: "At least I had the guts to tell you!"
Ashley said to me one day, "What is my name?"
And I said, "My name is everyday life of stupidity."
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It didn't; it got stuck in a crack.
Me: Hi Jacob!
Jacob: Hi.
Me: Your parents went to jail for littering when you were born!
Jacob: GOO GOO GAH GAH
This one time I said that John Cena looks like crap.
But I realized I can't see him. LOL!
Yo mama so slow, she took nine months to make the joke. Thank god mine only took 6.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Oliver.
Oliver who?
Oliver jokes don’t exist! 👹
A couple is on their first date.
Man: How do you feel about sex?
Woman: I like it infrequently.
Man: I see. Is that one word or two?
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
Because he wasn't peeling very well!
No joke.
"Doctor, I'm shrinking!"
"Well, you'll just have to be a little patient."
Are you a walnut, because I'm about to nut all over your walls!
Why do farts smell?
So deaf people can enjoy them as well.