Humor

it's not rape if we're both screaming

My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.

Question: Why did Donald Trump convert to Judaism?

Answer: Because he heard that Vladimir Putin likes to drink vodka with "Orange Jews"!

My friend and I were joking about a kid in a wheelchair, and another kid came up and said to the wheelchair kid, "You should stand up for yourself."

What's white, sticky, and better to spit out then to swallow?

Toothpaste.

A leaf and a depressed kid fall from a building. Which hits the ground first?

The leaf, the rope stops the depressed kid.

Enough with the Nazi jokes.

They make me führeious!

Nah c'mon guys, we don't let jokes like this fly around here.

Mom: Are you seriously gonna die?

Me: No. Don't worry. Suicide is the last thing I'll do.

Dad: Hey son, wanna hear a joke?

Son: Sure thing, dad!

Dad: Your mother and I are getting a divorce. She found out that I was sleeping with the neighbor's dog!

Son: I don't get the joke, dad.

Dad: It's my life, son! My life is the joke.

Why does Santa have three gardens?

So he can Hoe Hoe Hoe!

What's the difference between my dad and the milk man? The milk man comes back with the goddamn milk.

A scarecrow got promoted because he was outstanding in his field.

I will always remember my grandfather's last words: "I'll just check if it's poisonous."

What do you call a crowd of horny white women?

A field of cotton waiting to be picked.

My friends were worried that I was making suicide jokes so much, so I said, "Don't worry, you won't have to hear them much longer."

If things don't get better, the Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging.

Why do dwarfs hate fast food restaurants? Cause most of them have medium and large.

What do you call an Australian visiting the UK on holiday?

Returning to the scene of the crime.

Roses are red, violets are blue, you have a big forehead, and your hairline recedes too.