Humor

Q: What did the cannibal shout when his friend fell on the floor?

A: "FIVE SECOND RULE!"

A woman decides to take a well-earned vacation, and she asks her brother to watch her cat while she's away.

On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going, he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead.

The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics, before saying, "You can't tell a person bad news so bluntly. You should break the news gently. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be okay. Then on the third day, you could have said that she died from complications."

The next day, the woman calls her brother again and asks how things are. He says, "Well, Grandma is stuck on the roof and can't get down..."

Back in Australia, my puns are high koala-tea!

Why did Stephen Hawking die?

Because his wife changed the WiFi password.

The joke above me sucks.

What is the pedophile's favorite shoe?

White vans.

My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.

What did the doctor say to the Chinese patient? "Sum ting wong."

I don't always roll a joint, but when I do, it's my ankle.

For all the people with Covid-19, I just want to say... Stay positive.

How did the Shaggy defense become successful for JD Vance?

He was not banging on the sofa. Rather, he was banging the sofa!

Dad: "Son, does mommy like having lady-friends over?"

Son: "Nah, mostly men."

Dad: "Do you think you'd be comfortable telling that to a judge in court?"

Autistic jokes have been very popular recently. In other words, I've been very popular recently.

Why do short people laugh when they run?

Because the grass tickles their balls.

What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?

A meltdown.

So I didn't want my mom going through my laptop, so I put a touch screen on it where you just have to tap the screen to unlock it. Jokes on her, she doesn't have any fingers.

Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees? Because they are really good at it.

What's the worst part of a Down Syndrome relationship? There's more downs than ups!

So we were working with a new client at work, and my boss farts. He said, "A little gas never killed anyone."

I was driving and accidentally hit a crippled kid. They were still breathing, so I told them to walk it off.