Humor

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? -- One. They are efficient and don't have humor.

"what's that on your wrist?"

"I'm a cutting board. duh"

You know, I like my girls how I like my 9/11: Two twins that go down easy.

You know what they say about dark humor: it hits harder than a drunk parent.

I'm trying to come up with a set-up for an amputee joke, but I'm stumped.

I'm not fat!!

I'm a Nutritional Overachiever.

A depressed guy walks into a bar and says, "Can I get shot?"

The bartender then says, "You mean, can you get a shot, right?"

The bartender then says, "Well... what drink would you like?"

The depressed guy then responds with, "No, I really want to get shot."

I had to stop using cutting jokes because they were getting too deep.

Mum: If your friend jumped off a cliff, would you?

Me: Oh yeah, no doubt my friend wouldn't even have to jump first.

Why aren't emos and trees friends? Because the tree leaves them hanging.

Crappy joke warning: How does Spongebob have fun? He smokes seaweed.

Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put the wrong socks on this morning.

Coronavirus walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Gimme a shot of whiskey, will ya?"

The bartender says, "Sorry. We don't serve viruses here."

Corona replies, "Well, you're not a very good host."

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.

I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf.

So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.

I told my mother that my new girlfriend is disabled. Now we wait.

I once fought with a man in a wheelchair.

He couldn't stand a chance.

Why is parking a car like finding a girlfriend?

All the good ones are taken, so you stick it in the disabled one and hope nobody notices.

Give a man a match, he'll be warm for a while. But set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

If you are going to make fun of someone, make fun of orphans. What are they going to do, tell their parents?

Double whammy.

Dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old.

What do you call a redneck on fire?

A fire cracker.