Humor

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.

Give a man a match, he'll be warm for a while. But set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

What do you call a redneck on fire?

A fire cracker.

I have sex daily, I mean dyslexia, fuck!

A programmer and his wife.

She says, "We're out of bread. Please go to the grocery store and buy one. And if they've got eggs, get six."

After a while, he's back with six loaves of bread.

The wife asks, "Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?"

He replies, "They had eggs."

If you are going to make fun of someone, make fun of orphans. What are they going to do, tell their parents?

Double whammy.

Dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old.

I own a gun with Nazi rounds and shot a guy who broke into my house. He said, “Did you just shoot me with a Nazi round?” and I replied, “Do you mean Nein millimeter?”

What's the same with a toilet and anal sex? Your ass gets numb after a while.

What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad?

One says “Ribbit, Ribbit” and the other says “Rub it, Rub it”.

What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a badly dressed man on a unicycle? Attire.

What is the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?

A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.

A Chinese couple had a black baby and named him Sum Ting Wong.

Friend: How dark is your humor?

Me: It gets beat by the cops on a daily basis.

What does a priest hold on to when having sex?

He holds on to the schoolbag.

What is it called when you hit your funny bone at night?

Dark humor.

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.

Jesus: "A table for 26, please." Headwaiter: "But there's only... 13 of you?" Jesus: "Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side."

So, a man was on a ledge ready to kill himself because he got laid off at work and his girlfriend cheated on him. He was about to jump until he saw from a mountainside a little guy with no arms dancing around. So he thought, "Maybe my life ain't so bad." So he went to the mountainside. "Thank you," he said, "I was gonna jump off a bridge and kill myself until I saw you dancing, even though you have no arms. Dancing?" the armless man said bitterly, "My asshole itches and I can't scratch it."

A class is being taught when Bill Clinton walks in. He asks the class, "What is a tragedy?"

One kid, named Jim, raises his hand and says, "If my family and I got ran over by a truck, that would be a tragedy." Bill Clinton replies, "That would be an accident, not a tragedy."

A couple of seconds later, Audrey raises her hand and says, "If a school shooting would happen and 10 kids died, that would be a tragedy." Bill Clinton replies once again with: "That would be a great loss, not a tragedy." All of the kids are confused now when all of a sudden Matthew says, "If you and Hillary Clinton were on an airplane and it got blown up, that would be a tragedy!"

"Yes!" Says Bill Clinton "How do you know?" Matthew says happily, "It is definitely not an accident, and certainly not a great loss!"

I know a good airplane joke, but it would probably go over your heads.

The twin towers: No, it won't.

My uncle said he wants to be a dinosaur. I said why... he said so I could be extinct 😭😭