Humor

My dad has the heart of a soldier, and a restraining order from the soldier's family.

Chuck Norris and Medusa had a staring contest. Medusa turned to stone.

A depressed kid takes a drink of water and someone takes it and takes a drink. "Oh come on, the train stopped, the rope broke, I couldn't get on the building, the gun was empty, the knife was dull, the bridge was too low, and the cliff was nonexistent, and now you took the poison!"

So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons. "My first time in the air, my instructor informed me that he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don't succumb to his sexual advances I would have to jump out of the plane," and his buddy says, "Well, did you jump?" The guy says, "Yeah, a little at first."

What does a priest hold on to when having sex?

He holds on to the schoolbag.

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? -- One. They are efficient and don't have humor.

You know, I like my girls how I like my 9/11: Two twins that go down easy.

I'm trying to come up with a set-up for an amputee joke, but I'm stumped.

So, you wanna hear a joke about the wall?

... Actually, nah, you won't get over it.

"what's that on your wrist?"

"I'm a cutting board. duh"

I'm not saying I hate you. I'm just saying that if I could go back in time, I'd give your mom a coat hanger.

Don't worry if you think your life sucks. Just remember that people are arguing over the gender of a potato head.

If you are going to make fun of someone, make fun of orphans. What are they going to do, tell their parents?

Double whammy.

Dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old.

I parked in a disabled space today...

...and a traffic warden shouted to me, “Oi, what's your disability?” I said “Tourettes! Now fuck off!”

I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf.

So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.

I told my mother that my new girlfriend is disabled. Now we wait.

I had to stop using cutting jokes because they were getting too deep.

Mum: If your friend jumped off a cliff, would you?

Me: Oh yeah, no doubt my friend wouldn't even have to jump first.

I'm not fat!!

I'm a Nutritional Overachiever.

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.

I once fought with a man in a wheelchair.

He couldn't stand a chance.