Humor

You know, I like my girls how I like my 9/11: Two twins that go down easy.

I'm trying to come up with a set-up for an amputee joke, but I'm stumped.

What do you call a Chinese person with no legs?

Lim Ping.

Why aren't emos and trees friends? Because the tree leaves them hanging.

I had to stop using cutting jokes because they were getting too deep.

A depressed guy walks into a bar and says, "Can I get shot?"

The bartender then says, "You mean, can you get a shot, right?"

The bartender then says, "Well... what drink would you like?"

The depressed guy then responds with, "No, I really want to get shot."

Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put the wrong socks on this morning.

Mum: If your friend jumped off a cliff, would you?

Me: Oh yeah, no doubt my friend wouldn't even have to jump first.

Coronavirus walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Gimme a shot of whiskey, will ya?"

The bartender says, "Sorry. We don't serve viruses here."

Corona replies, "Well, you're not a very good host."

Crappy joke warning: How does Spongebob have fun? He smokes seaweed.

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.

I'm not fat!!

I'm a Nutritional Overachiever.

A programmer and his wife.

She says, "We're out of bread. Please go to the grocery store and buy one. And if they've got eggs, get six."

After a while, he's back with six loaves of bread.

The wife asks, "Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?"

He replies, "They had eggs."

Your hairline is so bad that it makes Lebron's hairline look normal.

Give a man a match, he'll be warm for a while. But set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

If you are going to make fun of someone, make fun of orphans. What are they going to do, tell their parents?

Double whammy.

Dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old.

What do you call a redneck on fire?

A fire cracker.

Why do Priests like playing the violin? They get to finger A minor.

What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a badly dressed man on a unicycle? Attire.

What does the cannibal get after a one night stand?

Breakfast in bed!