Humor
What does a priest hold on to when having sex?
He holds on to the schoolbag.
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? -- One. They are efficient and don't have humor.
I'm trying to come up with a set-up for an amputee joke, but I'm stumped.
I'm not saying I hate you. I'm just saying that if I could go back in time, I'd give your mom a coat hanger.
You know, I like my girls how I like my 9/11: Two twins that go down easy.
"what's that on your wrist?"
"I'm a cutting board. duh"
You know what they say about dark humor: it hits harder than a drunk parent.
I parked in a disabled space today...
...and a traffic warden shouted to me, “Oi, what's your disability?” I said “Tourettes! Now fuck off!”
I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf.
So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.
I told my mother that my new girlfriend is disabled. Now we wait.
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.
I'm not fat!!
I'm a Nutritional Overachiever.
Enough with the Nazi jokes.
They make me führeious!
Mum: If your friend jumped off a cliff, would you?
Me: Oh yeah, no doubt my friend wouldn't even have to jump first.
I once fought with a man in a wheelchair.
He couldn't stand a chance.
A depressed guy walks into a bar and says, "Can I get shot?"
The bartender then says, "You mean, can you get a shot, right?"
The bartender then says, "Well... what drink would you like?"
The depressed guy then responds with, "No, I really want to get shot."
I had to stop using cutting jokes because they were getting too deep.
Why aren't emos and trees friends? Because the tree leaves them hanging.
Why did the sperm cross the road?
Because I put the wrong socks on this morning.
Crappy joke warning: How does Spongebob have fun? He smokes seaweed.
Coronavirus walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Gimme a shot of whiskey, will ya?"
The bartender says, "Sorry. We don't serve viruses here."
Corona replies, "Well, you're not a very good host."