Humor
Why did the sperm cross the road?
Because I put the wrong socks on this morning.
Mum: If your friend jumped off a cliff, would you?
Me: Oh yeah, no doubt my friend wouldn't even have to jump first.
Crappy joke warning: How does Spongebob have fun? He smokes seaweed.
I'm not fat!!
I'm a Nutritional Overachiever.
Coronavirus walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Gimme a shot of whiskey, will ya?"
The bartender says, "Sorry. We don't serve viruses here."
Corona replies, "Well, you're not a very good host."
Memes
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.
I had to stop using cutting jokes because they were getting too deep.
Give a man a match, he'll be warm for a while. But set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Your hairline is so bad that it makes Lebron's hairline look normal.
What do you call a redneck on fire?
A fire cracker.
I have sex daily, I mean dyslexia, fuck!
A programmer and his wife.
She says, "We're out of bread. Please go to the grocery store and buy one. And if they've got eggs, get six."
After a while, he's back with six loaves of bread.
The wife asks, "Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?"
He replies, "They had eggs."
If you are going to make fun of someone, make fun of orphans. What are they going to do, tell their parents?
Double whammy.
Dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old.
I own a gun with Nazi rounds and shot a guy who broke into my house. He said, “Did you just shoot me with a Nazi round?” and I replied, “Do you mean Nein millimeter?”
Why do Priests like playing the violin? They get to finger A minor.
What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a badly dressed man on a unicycle? Attire.
What does the cannibal get after a one night stand?
Breakfast in bed!
What is the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
A Chinese couple had a black baby and named him Sum Ting Wong.
Friend: How dark is your humor?
Me: It gets beat by the cops on a daily basis.