Humor

Me: I kiss my mom on the lips.

Friend: Uh, I guess that's somewhat nor-

Me: Lower lips.

Friend: I gotta go.

Why did Sally fall off the swing? Because she had no arms.

Knock knock. Who's there? Not Sally.

What first went through Sally's head when the Nazis came? A bullet.

Where did Sally go when the bomb exploded? Everywhere.

What did Sally get for Christmas? A bike.

Did you know the people in the twin towers were great readers?

Yeah, they went through 80 stories in seconds.

Chuck Norris once said that he didn't like the plane he was riding in. Out of sadness, the plane committed suicide. How, you ask? Ask the Twin Towers.

On the lines of "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous,"

I'm dying to live forever!

A depressed kid takes a drink of water and someone takes it and takes a drink. "Oh come on, the train stopped, the rope broke, I couldn't get on the building, the gun was empty, the knife was dull, the bridge was too low, and the cliff was nonexistent, and now you took the poison!"

So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons. "My first time in the air, my instructor informed me that he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don't succumb to his sexual advances I would have to jump out of the plane," and his buddy says, "Well, did you jump?" The guy says, "Yeah, a little at first."

What does a priest hold on to when having sex?

He holds on to the schoolbag.

A man goes into heaven and there he meets Jesus. He asks Jesus what that broken clock is there for. Jesus says, "That is Mother Teresa's clock, it has never moved because she has never lied." "There is Abraham Lincoln's clock. He has lied twice so it has moved twice." "Where is Donald Trump's?" asks the man. Jesus answers, "It is in my office, I am using it as a ceiling fan."

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? -- One. They are efficient and don't have humor.

You know what they say about dark humor: it hits harder than a drunk parent.

I'm trying to come up with a set-up for an amputee joke, but I'm stumped.

What do you call a Chinese person with no legs?

Lim Ping.

what's the difference between morbid humor & dark humor?

dark humor fits 10 people in 1 container.

morbid humor fits 1 person on ten containers.

Why aren't emos and trees friends? Because the tree leaves them hanging.

Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put the wrong socks on this morning.

Mum: If your friend jumped off a cliff, would you?

Me: Oh yeah, no doubt my friend wouldn't even have to jump first.

Crappy joke warning: How does Spongebob have fun? He smokes seaweed.

I'm not fat!!

I'm a Nutritional Overachiever.

Coronavirus walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Gimme a shot of whiskey, will ya?"

The bartender says, "Sorry. We don't serve viruses here."

Corona replies, "Well, you're not a very good host."