Humor
How do you cut the sea in half?
With a sea-saw.
You know what me and my spine both have in common? We are both not straight.
What has 4 legs and 1 arm?
A Doberman in a playground.
Son: Dad, am I adopted?
Father: What? No! Out of all the kids in the adoption center, do you really think I would pick you?
I know you don’t like rape jokes, but I’m gonna force one on you anyway.
What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
One says “Ribbit, Ribbit” and the other says “Rub it, Rub it”.
Why do Priests like playing the violin? They get to finger A minor.
Mom: "I gave you life and you should be able to wash dishes."
Me: "Why did you?"
Mom: "I was very drunk..."
Explains a lot...
Two atoms were walking on a street. One atom said to the other: "I'm feeling really positive today," and the other replied: "I know. I stole your electron." Then the first atom said "How Ionic."
What do you call a group of chubby trans-genders?
Trans-fats.
The moment when she tells you: "I'm a virgin. Be gentle!" And you tell her, "Don't worry, I used to work with kids."
I have sex daily, I mean dyslexia, fuck!
A programmer and his wife.
She says, "We're out of bread. Please go to the grocery store and buy one. And if they've got eggs, get six."
After a while, he's back with six loaves of bread.
The wife asks, "Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?"
He replies, "They had eggs."
A man goes into heaven and there he meets Jesus. He asks Jesus what that broken clock is there for. Jesus says, "That is Mother Teresa's clock, it has never moved because she has never lied." "There is Abraham Lincoln's clock. He has lied twice so it has moved twice." "Where is Donald Trump's?" asks the man. Jesus answers, "It is in my office, I am using it as a ceiling fan."
You meet the guy who invented 0, what do you tell him? Thanks for nothing!
Chuck Norris and Medusa had a staring contest. Medusa turned to stone.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
Q: What's the difference between a Hispanic and a stoner?
A: Stoners have papers.
My dad has the heart of a soldier, and a restraining order from the soldier's family.
A depressed kid takes a drink of water and someone takes it and takes a drink. "Oh come on, the train stopped, the rope broke, I couldn't get on the building, the gun was empty, the knife was dull, the bridge was too low, and the cliff was nonexistent, and now you took the poison!"