Humor

Two atoms were walking on a street. One atom said to the other: "I'm feeling really positive today," and the other replied: "I know. I stole your electron." Then the first atom said "How Ionic."

Mom: "I gave you life and you should be able to wash dishes."

Me: "Why did you?"

Mom: "I was very drunk..."

Explains a lot...

One day I was jogging through the park and I saw this lady sitting next to a pond in a wheelchair with no legs and arms and said "Why are you crying" she said she had never been hugged I gave her a hug and jogged away.The next day i saw her again and asked her the same question she said "I've never been kissed" I gave her a kiss and went, The third day i asked her thrice and she said I've never been fucked I picked her up from her wheelchair and throwed her in the pond and said your fucked now She didn't make it:)

Kid: Hey, what’s black and sneaky!

Social studies teacher: Harriet Tubman.

I have sex daily, I mean dyslexia, fuck!

A man goes into heaven and there he meets Jesus. He asks Jesus what that broken clock is there for. Jesus says, "That is Mother Teresa's clock, it has never moved because she has never lied." "There is Abraham Lincoln's clock. He has lied twice so it has moved twice." "Where is Donald Trump's?" asks the man. Jesus answers, "It is in my office, I am using it as a ceiling fan."

Chuck Norris and Medusa had a staring contest. Medusa turned to stone.

Who’s there?

To.

To who?

No, “to whom.”

⚠️I’m not racist it’s just a joke⚠️

What do you call four black ppl in a sleeping bag?

A Kit Kat

On the lines of "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous,"

I'm dying to live forever!

What’s the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before leaving the factory?

Two test tickles.

Q. What's a disabled person's favorite band?

A. System of a Down's syndrome.

My dad has the heart of a soldier, and a restraining order from the soldier's family.

A depressed kid takes a drink of water and someone takes it and takes a drink. "Oh come on, the train stopped, the rope broke, I couldn't get on the building, the gun was empty, the knife was dull, the bridge was too low, and the cliff was nonexistent, and now you took the poison!"

So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons. "My first time in the air, my instructor informed me that he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don't succumb to his sexual advances I would have to jump out of the plane," and his buddy says, "Well, did you jump?" The guy says, "Yeah, a little at first."

What does a priest hold on to when having sex?

He holds on to the schoolbag.

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? -- One. They are efficient and don't have humor.

I'm trying to come up with a set-up for an amputee joke, but I'm stumped.

You know, I like my girls how I like my 9/11: Two twins that go down easy.

You know what they say about dark humor: it hits harder than a drunk parent.