Humor

What is it called when you hit your funny bone at night?

Dark humor.

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.

Jesus: "A table for 26, please." Headwaiter: "But there's only... 13 of you?" Jesus: "Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side."

So, a man was on a ledge ready to kill himself because he got laid off at work and his girlfriend cheated on him. He was about to jump until he saw from a mountainside a little guy with no arms dancing around. So he thought, "Maybe my life ain't so bad." So he went to the mountainside. "Thank you," he said, "I was gonna jump off a bridge and kill myself until I saw you dancing, even though you have no arms. Dancing?" the armless man said bitterly, "My asshole itches and I can't scratch it."

A class is being taught when Bill Clinton walks in. He asks the class, "What is a tragedy?"

One kid, named Jim, raises his hand and says, "If my family and I got ran over by a truck, that would be a tragedy." Bill Clinton replies, "That would be an accident, not a tragedy."

A couple of seconds later, Audrey raises her hand and says, "If a school shooting would happen and 10 kids died, that would be a tragedy." Bill Clinton replies once again with: "That would be a great loss, not a tragedy." All of the kids are confused now when all of a sudden Matthew says, "If you and Hillary Clinton were on an airplane and it got blown up, that would be a tragedy!"

"Yes!" Says Bill Clinton "How do you know?" Matthew says happily, "It is definitely not an accident, and certainly not a great loss!"

My uncle said he wants to be a dinosaur. I said why... he said so I could be extinct 😭😭

Hubble just spotted something huge coming out of Uranus.

A blonde girl walks into a gym and sees a guy. The guy takes off his shirt, she says, "Oh, what chest!" "That's 100 lbs of dynamite, baby," he replies. Then he takes off his pants, she says, "Oh, what legs!" He says, "That's 100 lbs of dynamite, baby." After that, he took off his underwear. The blonde girl starts running. He catches her and says, "Why were you running?" She said, "I didn't wanna be in there once I've seen how small the fuse was."

What do you get when you combine a priest and lawyer? A Father-in-law.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

My asian neighbors dinner.

What's the second to last letter in the alphabet? Y. Cause I wanted to know.

Tombstone engraving: "I TOLD you I was sick!"

Muslims commit suicide to go to Paradise and get 72 virgins... I just go to the local primary school.

What's the last thing emos feel before they die? Rope burn.

Q: What is the difference between a drunk and a stoner at a stop sign?

A: The drunk guy runs it and the stoner waits for it to turn green!

What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? -- Canned food.

Q: Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?

A: To find Pooh!

I was going to tell a joke about emos in the sea, but it’s dead in the water.

Kid: Hey, what’s black and sneaky!

Social studies teacher: Harriet Tubman.

Someone raped my ear, now I have hearing aids.

So, you wanna hear a joke about the wall?

... Actually, nah, you won't get over it.