Humor
Butt hehe.
Quit making those progeria jokes. They get old very quickly.
D: Johnny, Johnny.
J: Yes, Papa?
D: Eating sugar?
J: No, Papa!
D: Telling lies?
J: No, Papa!
D: Open your mouth, now full of cock. :)
What is the difference between Princess Diana and my laptop?
When my laptop crashes, I give a s**t.
I am a fat girl.
BAHAHAHAHAH
What’s black and sits on top of the stairs?
Christopher Reeves in a house fire.
There was a very lazy person. He saw a banana peel in front of him while he was walking... and he said: “Oh God, protect me from falling!”
Why didn't Stephen Hawking ever eat chicken wings? Because he didn't exist.
Opposite day be like in doors.
Figure: Finally, I can see.
Eyes: Nnnnnoooo! I'm blind. Figure, I'm sorry I made fun of you all those other times. Please don't make fun of me.
Figure: Ok eye promise eye won't.
Eyes: 😭
What do you call a bus full of kids? A killstreak.
What's a chicken's deadliest day?
Friday.
What's Stephen Hawking's favorite type of car on fire? Hot wheels.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
What did the cat say when he took his new car for a test drive?
"Meoooow!"
I have a lot of eggcellent egg puns, get the yolk... Oh come on, don't be hard-boiled!
"Rapeboat" makes Elton John seem straight.
This is the true worst joke ever:
What did the person say to the other guy when he met him?
Hi!
Did you know that graveyards are the most popular place in the world? Yeah, people are just DYING to get in there...
The people at 9/11 must have been able to read fast. If I explain it, it won't be funny. This is an old joke my friend told me.
A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion.
"What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.
"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job," replied the Priest.
"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.
"Well, next I can become Bishop," said the Priest.
"Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.
"If I work real hard and do a good job as Bishop, it's possible for me to become an Archbishop," said the Priest.
"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.
The Priest, beginning to get a bit exasperated, replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."
"And then?" asked the Rabbi.
The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."
"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.
"Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"
"Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"