Humor Jokes

I was going to tell a joke about emos in the sea but it’s dead in the water

There was a man named, Matt, that went to the church to confess one of his most recent sins. He told the priest, I am here to tell you my sins. He was all for it and said go ahead.

Matt, "Father, Last night I almost cheated on my wife"

Priest, "how so?"

Matt, "We were together naked, but we didn't do anything just rubbed each other, that's all"

Priest, " RUBBING TOGETHER IS THE SAME THING AS PUTTING IT IN! for your sins you must never see that woman again and put $50 in the donation box"

Matt, "okay i promise not to see her again"

Then Matt walks out the door

Priest, "Hey I saw you! you didn't put any money in the donation box!!"

Matt, "Yes I did, I took the money and rubbed it against the box because you said rubbing it is the same thing as putting it in"

How do you stay warm in a cold room?

You go to the corners. It's always 90 degrees

Q: What does your Mama and a slinky have in common?

A: They aren't much to look at but you can't help cracking a smile when you see it tumbling down the stairs.

What did the sex offender frog say to the other sex offender frog when a hot frog passed them?

Rrrrrapeit

Kid:Hey what’s black and sneaky! Social studies teacher:Harriet Tubman

What's the difference between princess Dianna and Thomas the tank engine Thomas came out the other end of the tunnel

i had a dream about the whole ocean was filled with orange soda

turns out it was a fanta sea

I am Funny but sad. I submit jokes you'll love. Anyway...

Little Jimmy asked his mom if he could take a bath with her since he was scared if being alone. She said, "Sure, just don't look up." He looked up and said, "Woah, what are those?" She replied, "Those are just headlights." He looked down and said, "What is that?" She said, "That's just a bush." The next day, mommy wasn't home so he asked to take a shower with his papa instead. He said, "Okay, but don't look up." He looked up and said, "Woah, what is that?" His papa replied, "That's just a snake." Later that night, he asked to sleep with his parents. They said, "Okay, just don't look under the covers." After a while, he grew bored and went under the covers. Jimmy screamed, "Mom, turn on the headlights, the snake is in the bush!"

My friends say they don’t like my skeleton puns.

I should put a little more backbone into them.

Lol making jokes about cancer makes me feel better as a person that had cancer, it’s great

Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts

when i ask my dad did i get adopted he said not yet no one wants you

The teacher asked her class to use definitely in a sentence. Little Johnny raised his hand to answer, yet the teacher passed him and went on to Kevin. "The sky is definitely blue." "Very good Kevin,but the sky can also be blue or black." the teacher replied. Little Johnny raised his hand again as high as he could, yet the teacher passed right over him. And picked Annie from the back of the room. "The grass is definitely green." "Very good Annie, but it can also be brown." Little Johnny was waving his hand like crazy seeking her attention. Finally she called on him. "Mines more of a question, but do farts have lumps in them?" "Why no Johnny why would you ask such a question?" She questioned. "Well if they don't have lumps in them, then I definitely just shit myself."

Kid: what is the biggest mistake you made in your life. Parents: go look above the bathroom sink *kid goes and looks but then he reilises

If I eat a poisonous potato, it attacks my immune system and I die. But if I poison a poisonous potato, then eat it, then I wont die because the potato is already dead and cant attack my immune system.

Im not fat!!

Im a Nutritional Overachiever

Never take a person canoeing or kayaking if they had a cerebrovascular accident. They’ll hear the one word they hate the most. “STROKE, STROKE, STROKE”

My mom tells me when I get into an argument with her that she brought me into this world and she can take me out. Some times I wanna tell her that I can do that for her.