Humor
Bad cows, bad cows, whatcha gonna moo?!
How do you think the unthinkable? With an iceberg.
Why did Stephen Hawking die?
Because his wife changed the WiFi password.
Why wouldn’t Mr. Bee 🐝 push Ms. Bee 🐝 away?
Because he loves his honey.
A Chinese couple had a black baby and named him Sum Ting Wong.
What do you call a dwarf with borderline autism? Jimothy.
Did you know the people in the twin towers were great readers?
Yeah, they went through 80 stories in seconds.
I remember my grandfather's last words: "Is that loaded?"
Wanna hear a dry joke? A desert.
What's the difference between Paul Walker and my computer?
When my computer crashes, I actually give a fuck.
Why is parking a car like finding a girlfriend?
All the good ones are taken, so you stick it in the disabled one and hope nobody notices.
A teacher is doing an experiment about taste. She tells each student to line up so she can give them each a lifesaver, so they can tell her what flavor it is. She gives Suzy a pineapple one. Suzy tries it, says the flavor, and then goes and sits back down. That is the same for everyone, then it is Jhonny's turn. The teacher hands him a honey flavor one. Jhonny chews it for a while, then says,
"Teacher, I don't know what it is.". The teacher tries to give him a hint and says, "it's what your parents call each other when you are asleep". Immediately the boy behind Jhonny screams, "Spit it out Jhonny, it's an asshole!!!"
Why did Joey drop his ice cream?
He was hit by a truck. (Don't worry, the truck was fine.)
I own a gun with Nazi rounds and shot a guy who broke into my house. He said, “Did you just shoot me with a Nazi round?” and I replied, “Do you mean Nein millimeter?”
My favorite toast for parties: May I be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows I'm dead.
Patient: “Doctor, my bottom hurts.”
Doctor: “Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?”
Patient: “Right around the entrance.”
Doctor: “As long as you call it the entrance, it will hurt.”
Chuck Norris gets pulled over by a cop, and the cop gets a ticket.
Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.
What do you call it when a person with Down syndrome gets friendzoned?
Chromozoned.
When I'm bored, I go into an elevator with a full duffle bag. Once people come in and the door closes, I zip open the bag a little bit and whisper to it, "I'll get you some food once we get off."