Humor

I just quit my job at a can crushing factory.

It was soda-pressing.

Why do I only date orphans?

Because they never have daddy issues.

Why did the strawberry cry? -- Because his mother was in a jam.

This isn't a joke, but I'm a survivor and use humor to cope. I find these extremely funny, so please leave the people writing these alone 😭

Stop with the blind jokes... I don't see the point.

- The emo went to give the tree a high five, but the emo was left hanging.

- How did the gay person die? Homicide.

- Why did the emo get kicked out of the amusement park? He was cutting in line.

- When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it leaves and never comes back.

- I cried when my dad chopped onions. Onions was such a good dog.

- I have happy memories building sandcastles with my dad, until my mom took his urn away.

- How is the person over there different from cancer? His dad didn't beat cancer.

Why shouldn't you tell a secret in a corn field?

Because they are full of ears!

Now that was a corny joke.

And yes, it was rather a-maize-ing.

What is the Harry Potter spell that aborts babies?

Fetus Deletus!

Patient: “Doctor, my bottom hurts.”

Doctor: “Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?”

Patient: “Right around the entrance.”

Doctor: “As long as you call it the entrance, it will hurt.”

A white dad, a priest, and a rabbi all run out a burning school, and the dad says, “What about the kids?” and the rabbi replies to him saying, “Fuck the kids,” and the priest says, “Think we got enough time?”

My grandpa may be a pedo, but at least he slows down in the school car park.

"Waiter, my steak is too skinny."

"It's a strip steak, sir."

"At these prices, it should not only strip, but sing and dance too!"

I'm just here to say that I don't approve of political jokes.

I've seen too many of them get elected.

Sans: Wow, seems you’re really working yourself... down to the bone!

Why did the bum get a slap?

Because it was being too cheeky.

What do you call a nut on a wheelchair?....A busted nut.

You want to hear some marriage jokes?

Don't worry, it's just a couple.

Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high, pulled down his fly, and said, "Jill do you wanna?" Jill said yes, pulled up her dress, and then they had some fun. But stupid Jill forgot the pill so now they have a son.

A girl and her brother are walking in their garden. POV: Brother. Sister: "Why are you cutting those flowers?"

Brother: "Because they're beautiful!"

Sister: "I thought you said you cut yourself because you aren't."

Brother:......

What do you call a redneck sister who runs faster than her brothers?

A virgin.