Humor

A man tried to shoot Adolf Hitler, but missed. Then Adolf replied, "Oh shoot, I did nazi that coming!"

What's the difference between a school bus and my Dad's van?

School buses usually don't have screaming and crying children.

Why do Java Programmers wear glasses? Because they don't C#.

Why did the bum get a slap?

Because it was being too cheeky.

What do you call a nut on a wheelchair?....A busted nut.

You want to hear some marriage jokes?

Don't worry, it's just a couple.

Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high, pulled down his fly, and said, "Jill do you wanna?" Jill said yes, pulled up her dress, and then they had some fun. But stupid Jill forgot the pill so now they have a son.

A girl and her brother are walking in their garden. POV: Brother. Sister: "Why are you cutting those flowers?"

Brother: "Because they're beautiful!"

Sister: "I thought you said you cut yourself because you aren't."

Brother:......

Why do I only date orphans?

Because they never have daddy issues.

I would tell a scoliosis joke.

But that would be completely out of line.

Why do emos like yo-yo's? Cos they get strangled by the string.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

My asian neighbors dinner.

Chuck Norris gets pulled over by a cop, and the cop gets a ticket.

A pun walked into a room and killed ten people.

Pun in, ten dead.

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."

What do you call two transgender midgets having sex?

A microtransaction.

I just quit my job at a can crushing factory.

It was soda-pressing.

I told my friend ten puns to see what one made him laugh. No pun in ten did.

Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with. So, they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

A white dad, a priest, and a rabbi all run out a burning school, and the dad says, “What about the kids?” and the rabbi replies to him saying, “Fuck the kids,” and the priest says, “Think we got enough time?”