Humor
Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.
Jesus: "A table for 26, please." Headwaiter: "But there's only... 13 of you?" Jesus: "Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side."
Knock knock. Who's there? Broken pencil. Broken pencil who? Never mind, it was pointless!
What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One of them you'll see in a while, and the other one you'll see later.
Oxygen and potassium went on a date. I heard it was OK.
What do you call a ghost's fart?
A spirit bomb.
What kind of bagel can fly?
A plain.
Daughter: Mommy?
Mom: Hey.
Daughter: What kind of kids do they use to make Sour Patch Kids?
Mom: They don’t use kids to make Sour Patch Kids.
Daughter: Oh, that’s why the ones I made taste kind of funny...
How do you get more presents from Santa? You tickle his sack.
What goes zzub-zzub?
A bee flying backwards.
So, Johnny was working at a deli. A woman walks up and asks, "Do you have any salad?" Johnny says, "No." She asks, "What about carrots?" Again, Johnny says, "No." She says, "What about bananas?" Johnny says, "Tell ya what, spell out 'lad' in salad." She spells, "L A D." Johnny replies, "Spell 'rot' in carrot." She spells, "R O T." Johnny says, "Now spell 'fuck' in vegetables or fruits." She says, "There is no 'fuck' in vegetables or fruits." Johnny exclaims, "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"
I had a dream about the whole ocean being filled with orange soda.
Turns out it was a Fanta sea.
How do you stay warm in a cold room?
You go to the corners. It's always 90 degrees.
Q: What does your Mama and a slinky have in common?
A: They aren't much to look at, but you can't help cracking a smile when you see it tumbling down the stairs.
These jokes are weak like the structure of the towers.
Chuck Norris uses elevators only in case of fire.
How many children does it take to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw.
Little Jimmy asked his mom if he could take a bath with her since he was scared of being alone. She said, "Sure, just don't look up." He looked up and said, "Woah, what are those?" She replied, "Those are just headlights." He looked down and said, "What is that?" She said, "That's just a bush." The next day, mommy wasn't home, so he asked to take a shower with his papa instead. He said, "Okay, but don't look up." He looked up and said, "Woah, what is that?" His papa replied, "That's just a snake." Later that night, he asked to sleep with his parents. They said, "Okay, just don't look under the covers." After a while, he grew bored and went under the covers. Jimmy screamed, "Mom, turn on the headlights, the snake is in the bush!"
My friends say they don’t like my skeleton puns.
I should put a little more backbone into them.
Friend: How dark is your humor?
Me: It gets beat by the cops on a daily basis.
When your mom tries to hit you with the belt but misses and hits herself... #victoryroyale