A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, “Where’d you get that?”

The student on the bike replies, “While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, “You can have anything you want.””

The first student responds, “Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”

A programmer and his wife.

She says, “We’re out of bread. Please go the grocery store and buy one. And if they’ve got eggs, get six.”

After a while, he’s back with six loaves of bread.

The wife asks, “Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?”

He replies, “They had eggs.”

How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a light bulb? - None, they declare darkness to be the new standard.

Yo mama so FAT, she can’t handle files bigger than 4 GB.

An SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, “Can I join you?”

There are 10 types of people in this world.

Those that know binary and those that don’t.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? - None, that’s a hardware problem.

Why do Java Programmers wear glasses? - Because they don’t C#.

An infinite amount of mathematicians walked into a bar. The first ordered a pint, the second ordered a half pint, the third ordered a fourth-pint, etc. The Bartender eventually walked up and gave them two pints and said: “you mathematicians don’t know your limits.”

An HDMI cable and an electrical outlet went on a date. It didn’t go well, because they couldn’t connect.

If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program.

The rest of them will write Perl programs.

A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.

The physicist said, “We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed.”

The engineer said, “I think I’ve got a few spanners in the back. I’ll take a look and see if I can work out what’s wrong.”

The programmer said, “Why don’t we get going again and see if it’s reproducible?”

There’s 10 kind of people in the world. – Those who know binary and those who don’t.

Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas? - Because Oct 31 == Dec 25

A programmer pushes a stroller through the park. An elderly couple comes along: “Is it a boy or a girl?” The programmer replies, “Yes.”

How did the Java programmer’s son get rich?

Because of inheritance.

why did the robot cross the road?

because he was programmed by the chicken!

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