Humor
What do pedophiles and a SpongeBob intro have in common?
Are you ready kids?
(sorry in advance this joke is brutal)
What has 12 heads and 24 eyes?
The bin at the back of the abortion clinic.
What's the darkest point in the universe?
The inside of a KFC.
pilot: *over intercom* we're all going to die.
passengers: *start freaking out*
pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when.
passengers: *sigh with relief*
pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit that mountain.
So I ran into a woman the other day who says her vaginas is like a lottery ticket. She said it's because you have to be lucky to hit it... I thought it's because she was always scratching it.
Memes
First meme here
I'm not lazy, I'm just bone tired. I bet that one tickled your funny bone. It sure got me rattled. Don't try to stop me. I've got a skele-ton of these!
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The "p" is silent.
A mosquito with a Mario hat on flies on you saying, "It's-a me, Malario!"
Why did Wi-Fi and the computer get married?
Because they had a connection.
What's the difference between you and Hitler?
Hitler knew when to kill himself.
What kind of bees make milk?
BooBees.
What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of Caesar salad?
The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them.
What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? -- He nuts and bolts.
Dark humor is like food.
Not everyone gets it.
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.
After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!”
She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”
To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
How does Hitler tie his shoes?
In tiny Knotsies.
My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice. I called it "cold hard cash."
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
What do you call a prostitute with a major in math?
The thot that counts.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.