Humor

I put the sexy in dyslexia.

Police: Where do you live? Blonde: With my parents. Police: Where do your parents live? Blonde: With me. Police: Where do you all live? Blonde: Together. Police: Where is your house? Blonde: Next to my neighbor's house. Police: Where is your neighbor's house? Blonde: If I tell you, you won't believe me. Police: Tell me. Blonde: Next to my house.

Kid: What is between mom's legs?

Dad: Paradise.

Kid: What's between your legs?

Dad: The key to paradise.

Kid: Well, you better change the lock, the neighbor has the key to.

When the emo kid hangs himself and the autistic kid thinks that it's a piñata... BATTER UP TO THE PLATE!

What do you call someone who wants to commit suicide by jumping off a building?

A cliffhanger.

What's the darkest point in the universe?

The inside of a KFC.

Little Johnny was sitting in class, and he was behind a girl called Sally. The teacher asks the class, "Who created the Earth?" And Little Johnny pokes Sally in the back with his sharpened pencil, and she jumps and says, "MY GOD!" And the teacher says, "Yes, Sally, God did create the Earth." Sally sits down.

Then, the teacher asks, "Where do you go after you live a good life?" and Little Johnny pokes Sally again, and she jumps up and says, "HEAVENS TO BETSY!" And the teacher says, "Yes Sally. You will go to heaven after you live a good life." Sally sits down, knowing full well Little Johnny was poking her. Sally gave Little Johnny an angry glare, and she turns around.

And then, the teacher asks the class, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 77th child?" and Little Johnny pokes Sally HARDER this time in the back, and Sally jumps, turns around and says, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I swear I'm gonna lose it!" And the teacher faints.

I'm an orphan, lol.

Chuck Norris once put a plastic bag on his head, and the bag suffocated to death.

Why did the squirrel do the backstroke?

He wanted to keep his nuts dry.

Are you enjoying my yolks? I bet they're making you crack up. If not, I better scramble.

What's the difference between you and Hitler?

Hitler knew when to kill himself.

A mosquito with a Mario hat on flies on you saying, "It's-a me, Malario!"

I'm not lazy, I'm just bone tired. I bet that one tickled your funny bone. It sure got me rattled. Don't try to stop me. I've got a skele-ton of these!

What's the best part of dating a homeless girl?

You can drop her off anywhere.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The "p" is silent.

One man's pet is another man's dinner.

Why did Wi-Fi and the computer get married?

Because they had a connection.

What kind of bees make milk?

BooBees.

What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of Caesar salad?

The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them.