Humor
Chuck Norris once put a plastic bag on his head, and the bag suffocated to death.
I'm an orphan, lol.
Why did the squirrel do the backstroke?
He wanted to keep his nuts dry.
Are you enjoying my yolks? I bet they're making you crack up. If not, I better scramble.
What do you call a prostitute with a major in math?
The thot that counts.
Memes
First meme here
What's the difference between you and Hitler?
Hitler knew when to kill himself.
A mosquito with a Mario hat on flies on you saying, "It's-a me, Malario!"
pilot: *over intercom* we're all going to die.
passengers: *start freaking out*
pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when.
passengers: *sigh with relief*
pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit that mountain.
So I ran into a woman the other day who says her vaginas is like a lottery ticket. She said it's because you have to be lucky to hit it... I thought it's because she was always scratching it.
Teacher: I used to be an orphan once.
Student: OOFT.
Teacher: Who are we missing?
Student: Your parents.
I'm not lazy, I'm just bone tired. I bet that one tickled your funny bone. It sure got me rattled. Don't try to stop me. I've got a skele-ton of these!
One man's pet is another man's dinner.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The "p" is silent.
Why did Wi-Fi and the computer get married?
Because they had a connection.
What kind of bees make milk?
BooBees.
What's the best part of dating a homeless girl?
You can drop her off anywhere.
What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of Caesar salad?
The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them.
What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? -- He nuts and bolts.
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.
After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!”
She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”
To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
Dark humor is like food.
Not everyone gets it.