Humor

I'm an orphan, lol.

Chuck Norris once put a plastic bag on his head, and the bag suffocated to death.

Why did the squirrel do the backstroke?

He wanted to keep his nuts dry.

Are you enjoying my yolks? I bet they're making you crack up. If not, I better scramble.

What do you call a prostitute with a major in math?

The thot that counts.

A mosquito with a Mario hat on flies on you saying, "It's-a me, Malario!"

pilot: *over intercom* we're all going to die.

passengers: *start freaking out*

pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when.

passengers: *sigh with relief*

pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit that mountain.

So I ran into a woman the other day who says her vaginas is like a lottery ticket. She said it's because you have to be lucky to hit it... I thought it's because she was always scratching it.

What's the difference between you and Hitler?

Hitler knew when to kill himself.

I'm not lazy, I'm just bone tired. I bet that one tickled your funny bone. It sure got me rattled. Don't try to stop me. I've got a skele-ton of these!

One man's pet is another man's dinner.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The "p" is silent.

Why did Wi-Fi and the computer get married?

Because they had a connection.

What kind of bees make milk?

BooBees.

What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of Caesar salad?

The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them.

What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? -- He nuts and bolts.

A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.

After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!”

She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”

To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

Dark humor is like food.

Not everyone gets it.

What's the best part of dating a homeless girl?

You can drop her off anywhere.

Unlike my syndrome, I keep my chin up. 🙌🏽😁