Humor
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are... But I laugh more.
The secret to dark humor is the delivery... oh wait, the baby was stillborn.
My friends used to poke me at weddings and say, "You're next."
So I started poking them at funerals and saying, "You're next" to my friends.
What do you call a Russian tree?
Dimitree.
What's the difference between a hooker and a mosquito?
The mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.
When is it acceptable to hit a dwarf?
When he dances with your wife and says her hair smells nice...
Why did Ms. Grapes 🍇 want to marry Mr. Grapes 🍇?
Because she loves raisin kids.
What do you call a prostitute with a major in math?
The thot that counts.
(sorry in advance this joke is brutal)
What has 12 heads and 24 eyes?
The bin at the back of the abortion clinic.
When I get naked in the shower, it gets turned on.
Why don’t mountains catch colds?
They wear snow caps.
Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar? Because she heard the drinks were on the house.
You take care of chickens. Does that make you a chicken tender?
Why do Java Programmers wear glasses? Because they don't C#.
What do you call a depressed person holding a knife?
Freedom yay! (so funny ikr)
I'm funny but sad, I submit jokes you'll love. Look for my name in jokes you've read. Anyway.
What did the man with no hands get for his birthday? Gloves. Just kidding, he didn't have the chance to open the gifts.
What is red and tan and spins for about 50 mph?
A baby in a blender.
How do you make an octopus laugh?
You give it ten tickles.
I called the suicide hotline in Saudi Arabia. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
My favorite toast for parties:
May I be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows I'm dead.