Humor
My dad is like my virginity. I lost him at 12.
No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.
My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice. I called it "cold hard cash."
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
How do you stop a baby from crawling around in a circle on the floor?
You nail its other hand to the floor.
Memes
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
I am disabled and I find these jokes appropriately hilarious.
What do you call someone who points out the obvious? Someone who points out the obvious.
What is the politically correct term for rabbit shit?
Raisins.
What gang was Stephen Hawking in? The Crips.
What do you call a joke without a punchline?
Two antennas got married on a roof. The ceremony was horrible, but the reception was great!
Why do Java Programmers wear glasses? Because they don't C#.
Call me an escalator because I let people down.
Teacher: I used to be an orphan once.
Student: OOFT.
Teacher: Who are we missing?
Student: Your parents.
what do you get when you play a country song backwards? you get your wife, your house, and your kids back.
What's Stephen Hawking's favorite meal?
His shoulder.
What's the difference between an Afghan kindergarten and a military target?
The drone guy didn't know either.
When I'm bored, I go into an elevator with a full duffle bag. Once people come in and the door closes, I zip open the bag a little bit and whisper to it, "I'll get you some food once we get off."
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.