Humor
What is the difference between Princess Diana and my laptop?
When my laptop crashes, I give a s**t.
What did the man say to his wife? "Make me a damn sandwich, woman!"
A dad asked his son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday, and he replied, "How about a urinal cake?!"
God: “Stephen, join us!”
*sees the staircase to heaven.*
Stephen: “Shit!”
Stephen Hawking couldn't take the stairway to Heaven, he had to take the lift.
Memes
A bear walks into a bar and asks the barkeep, "Can I have a grilled . . . cheese?"
The barkeep asks the bear, "What's with the big pause?" The bear says, "Well, I'm a bear."
Why couldn’t little Susie stay on the swing?
She had no arms.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Not Susie.
If a tree had a mouth, wood it bark?
I was really rooting to tell that one.
POV: You're sitting here waiting for a good joke. I wait, unfulfilled.
What is a vampire's favorite animal? A giraffe.
What is a vampire's favorite fruit? Neck-tarines.
Those two jokes are not funny at all!
What's worse than funny condom fails?
Jake Paul.
Why can’t organs have a family bag of chips?
Because they have no family to share it with.
Why do a woman like to have sex with the lights off?
They can't stand to see a man have a good time.
I tried to write the shortest joke ever, so I wrote a two-word joke, which was "Dwarf Shortage." It's just so I could pack more jokes into the show.
I think my dad is too black because whenever he goes to bed and closes his eyes, he disappears. 🤣
What's the difference between Paul Walker and a computer?
I give a fuck when my computer crashes.
Girl: What is abortion?
Man: Ask your brother.
Girl: But I don't have a brother!
Man: Exactly!
What's the difference between a dog and a foster child?
A dog doesn't run to the police after you beat it.
Friend: You are joking.
Me: Joking on deez nuts.
What do you call a strong, independent girl in Haryana?
Dead.