Humor
Man, abortion jokes just don't get old, do they? In fact, they don't age at all.
Child: *drinking milk*
Farmer: Hey, what are you doing?
Child: Oh, I just milked one of your cows.
Farmer: We don't have any cows, we only have bulls.
Child: *realizes*
Asked my dad what LGBT stands for.
He started with "Lettuce? Bacon. Tomato. What's the 'g' for?" Obviously, I had to reply with "Garnish."
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One's plastic and dangerous to play with; the other is to carry groceries.
How do we know that the ocean is friendly? It waves.
How does a lady with stage 3 cancer introduce herself?
"Hey y'all, I'm Diane."
These two cannibals are sitting by the campfire having dinner. One says, "I can't stand my mother-in-law." The other says, "So, just eat the potatoes."
Why did the chicken cross the road? To cock-a-doodle die...
Chuck Norris can make Minute Maid lemonade in 5 seconds.
Hey, you know Slugma?
Slugma balls.
Little Johnny and his dad were going to buy a horse.
Dad: Rubbing on the horse’s chest and butt.
Little Johnny: What are you doing?
Dad: Checking to see if the horse is healthy so I can buy it.
Little Johnny: Oh well, I think the mall man wants to buy mom.
Why was the rapper afraid of elevators?
He was worried about getting stuck between the bars.
Your hairline is so far back I learned about it in history class.
So, a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital, and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on.
Doctor: "So, your wife, she is paralyzed from the neck down."
And as the doctor goes on, he says all the things the man must do for her, like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says, "Why, WHY ME!"
Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the man's ear and says, "I'm just fuckin' with you, she's DEAD!"
I was gonna do a school shooter joke, but it was aimed at younger audiences.
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
What's the difference between a school bus and my Dad's van?
School buses usually don't have screaming and crying children.
What’s an abbreviation for school in America?
Shooting range.
Jokes just as dead as the victims.
Why are life and a penis alike?
Women make both of them hard.
You wanna hear a suicide joke? Nvm, it didn't make it.