Humor
What do cats have for breakfast?
Mice crispies.
Me at the Anti-Orphan Jokes convention. 💣🗡🔪🧨🔫
What’s black and white and dead all over? My Chemical Romance.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the first knock knock joke?
He won the No Bell Prize!
I didn't trip and fall... I attacked the floor, and I believe I am winning :3
Why didn’t the girl like stairs?
They were always up to something.
I'm dead! 😂💀💀
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
I tried to catch fog today. I mist.
Where do ducks poop out of?
From their buttquack.
What do you call a bulldog and a shih tzu? A bullshit.
Question: Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?
Answer: Tequila
A woman brought her hamster to the vet. The vet takes a look and concludes the hamster died.
The woman doesn't believe it and requests further investigation. So the vet lets in a Labrador. The dog sniffs around the hamster and shortly after he produces a sad whine, shakes his head and leaves the room with his tail low.
The woman, still not convinced, demands more examinations. The vet gets one of his cats. It walks around the hamster and pets it. After some time it shakes her head and runs off quickly.
"Fine, I believe you now," the woman says, "my beloved hamster is dead." "I'm sorry for your loss," the vet replies. "Your bill for this visit will be 1505 dollars," says the vet. "What? 1505 dollars just to tell me my hamster is dead?" The woman says shocked.
The vet replies: "No, 5 dollars to tell your hamster died, 500 dollars for the lab report and 1000 dollars for the CAT scan."
Why are school shooting jokes so funny?
Answer: The bullets hit your funny bone!
(I'm Asian so I can say this.) If I say that we are made of money, that just means you can fit pennies through our little eye slits, and we can save them for you in there!
What did John Cena say to the blind man? "YOU CAN'T SEE ME!"
If someone calls you, just say:
"This is Peter's abortion clinic and pizza restaurant, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce!"
What is a penguin without a pen? A guin...
John saw a Gay in a wheelchair.
"I didn't know a man could be a fruit and a Vegetable!"
Three men were in a desert. One man was holding a jug, the 2nd was holding a paper bag, and the last was holding a car door. A man came around and asked the 1st why he had a jug. He said it was his water and if he got thirsty, he would take a drink.
Then he asked the second why do you have a paper bag? The guy said this is my packed lunch, so if I get hungry, I will eat my lunch.
Then he asked the last man why he has a car door and he said if he got hot he would roll down the window.