Humor

Ring ring.

Abortion clinic!

Where no fetus can beat us.

How many fingers am I holding up?

Said the suicide bomber, referring to the countdown.

How do we know that the ocean is friendly? It waves.

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

A limbless man sat on the side of a lake every day. He had no hands or legs.

One day he was crying when a woman was walking by and saw that he was upset, so she asked if he was okay. He replied, "No."

The woman said, "Well, what's wrong?"

The limbless man said, "I've never been hugged by anyone ever."

So the woman, out of kindness, hugged the man. "Are you okay now?" she asked.

"No," the man replied. So again the woman asked him what was wrong. He answered, "I've never been kissed before."

The woman eagerly gave him a peck on the lips and asked, "Are you okay now?"

The man shook his head sadly. The woman asked him what was wrong for the third time. The man said, "I've never been fucked."

The woman looked at him, picks him up, throws him in the lake, and says, "Now you are!"

I, for one, wish Donald Trump was President again. It's been a while since we had a presidential assassination.

My best friend got ligma. (Ah, did he? Sorry bro.) LIGMA BALLS!

Papa John's pizzeria and abortion clinic. You make 'em, we bake 'em.

What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? One hundred people who don't do dick.

There was a kid named Buttitches, and his teacher was taking attendance. Then the teacher asked, "What is your name?" And he answered, "Buttitches." Then the teacher asked again, "What's your name?" and he replied, "Buttitches." Then a student yelled out, "JUST SCRATCH YOUR ASS ALREADY!"

I was going to write a corny joke, but those are a bit too EAR-itating.

What do you call a paralyzed turtle?

Shell shocked.

I would say a good joke, but all the good ones Argon.

Why do orphans love drinking water? Because they have no milk to drink!

September 11th. #BringYourPlaneToWorkDay

I bet for Halloween you were a Goblin. How about you gobble deez nuts?

How can you get free butt plants? Just get your man to fill your butt with natural juices.

A girl and boy are in bed after sex. The boy goes, “I can’t believe they got together after all that shit.” The girl says, “Who?” The boy goes, “My ass cheeks.”

What do you call a Chinese billionaire?

Cha Ching.

There once was a little girl named Sarah with no arms and legs.

*knock knock*

Who's there!

Not Sarah.