Humor

My dad’s nickname for me is ‘Tiger’.

Now, my wrists look like a tiger.

How do you tell whether you’ve satisfied a redhead?

She unlocks the handcuffs.

What do Colorado and Saudi Arabia have in common?

It's legal to get stoned.

My sister argued with me that you can't make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!

Mother, “Johnny, if you keep being this naughty, you’ll get kids who will be very naughty to you!”

Johnny, “Oh mom, you just betrayed yourself there, didn’t you?”

I ran into a dwarf and he said: "Well, I’m not Happy."

Then which one are you?

Life is like a penis. Long, free, flowing, and soft, until a woman comes and makes it hard. 😉

Two skeleton brothers are talking.

1st bro: "Hey, get up! You and do some exercise! You are so heavy, you weigh a ton!"

2nd bro: "A skele-TON :)"

I was going to make a chemistry joke. But it looks like I won’t get a reaction :)

What's an African's favorite sport to play, but they can't? Water polo.

A man goes to the library to find the best book about committing suicide. So when he asks the librarian, "What's the best book on committing suicide?" The librarian said, "Oh, fuck off...you won't bring it back anyway."

What time do butts get up? At the crack of dawn!!!

What do you call a Chinese billionaire?

Cha Ching.

Damn bro, are you Gold, Titanium, Sulfur, Titanium, and Carbon?

Cuz you be lookin AuTiSTiC.

Died and came back a cowboy, I call that reintarnation.

Ring ring.

Abortion clinic!

Where no fetus can beat us.

A man is driving down the road and runs over a rabbit. He slams on his brakes, gets out, and walks up to the flattened bunny. The bunny is obviously expired.

A passing car slams on its brakes and screeches to a halt. The driver of that car runs up to the bunny, pulls out an aerosol can, and sprays the bunny with the aerosol spray. The bunny jumps up, runs a few feet, then stops, turns around, and waves its paw at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. He continues to do this until he’s out of sight.

The first driver looks at the man with the aerosol can and says, “Wow, that is amazing! What is in that can?” The man looks at the can and reads the label, “Hair restorer, with a permanent wave.”

How many fingers am I holding up?

Said the suicide bomber, referring to the countdown.

How do we know that the ocean is friendly? It waves.

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.