Humor

Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”

Dad: “Call me George.”

Help, my ADHD is so bad that not even I can focus in a concentration camp.

My dad just found out and told my mom about one of their friends, Chad, who just murdered his wife, Claire. After doing that, he turned the gun on himself and committed suicide right after.

My mom's reply: "Jesus, Chad will do anything to get out of cleaning his mess, won't he?"

In honor of Diddy:

The ice cream machine at McDonald's now works!

If a deaf kid swears in sign language, does his mom wash his hands with soap?

I asked my mom what is dark humor. She said "see them boy over there in the wheelchair, ask him to walk." I said, "but I’m blind." She responded, "Exactly."

My dad’s nickname for me is ‘Tiger’.

Now, my wrists look like a tiger.

I hate prom in Alabama. They always say, "Uhh, actually this is our family reunion." We are in Alabama, so they are the same thing.

What do you call an Asian Chihuahua?

A Konichiuahua.

What do you call a spice with a PHD?

Dr. Pepper

Once I tried to tell my friend a joke about dead people... but it went six feet underground...

Student: "May I use the restroom, professor?"

Professor: "Oui oui."

Student: "No, professor, doo doo!"

If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?

Big hands.

What was Hitler’s favorite sex position?

Sixty nein.

How do you stop a woman from choking?

Back up an inch.

A friend called me a while back saying, "I have COVID.... I can't breathe, I really have a hard time breathing."

I reply saying, "Dude, you need to work on your George Floyd jokes."

My only friend who actually cares: "Stop making suicide jokes, I’m really concerned!"

Me: Okay, I’ll cut it out.

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."

What do Colorado and Saudi Arabia have in common?

It's legal to get stoned.

My sister argued with me that you can't make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!