Humor

Died and came back a cowboy, I call that reintarnation.

What's a school shooter's favorite flower?

Columbine.

How many fingers am I holding up?

Said the suicide bomber, referring to the countdown.

How do we know that the ocean is friendly? It waves.

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

BAHAHA

The image is a four-panel meme. The top left panel shows a smiling anime character labeled "You:". The top right panel shows an anime character with a shocked expression labeled "Your best friend:". The bottom left panel shows a cat with a blurred, startled expression labeled "Your cat:". The bottom right panel shows an anime character with glowing red eyes and the text "BUNGEE GUM HAS THE PROPERTIES OF BOTH RUBBER AND GUM".

What's the difference between a refrigerator and a gay guy? You have to ask permission before stuffing it with meat.

A limbless man sat on the side of a lake every day. He had no hands or legs.

One day he was crying when a woman was walking by and saw that he was upset, so she asked if he was okay. He replied, "No."

The woman said, "Well, what's wrong?"

The limbless man said, "I've never been hugged by anyone ever."

So the woman, out of kindness, hugged the man. "Are you okay now?" she asked.

"No," the man replied. So again the woman asked him what was wrong. He answered, "I've never been kissed before."

The woman eagerly gave him a peck on the lips and asked, "Are you okay now?"

The man shook his head sadly. The woman asked him what was wrong for the third time. The man said, "I've never been fucked."

The woman looked at him, picks him up, throws him in the lake, and says, "Now you are!"

I, for one, wish Donald Trump was President again. It's been a while since we had a presidential assassination.

I hit a ball with a bat, it was called animal abuse.

My best friend got ligma. (Ah, did he? Sorry bro.) LIGMA BALLS!

Papa John's pizzeria and abortion clinic. You make 'em, we bake 'em.

September 11th. #BringYourPlaneToWorkDay

Why do orphans love drinking water? Because they have no milk to drink!

I was going to write a corny joke, but those are a bit too EAR-itating.

What do you call a paralyzed turtle?

Shell shocked.

There was a kid named Buttitches, and his teacher was taking attendance. Then the teacher asked, "What is your name?" And he answered, "Buttitches." Then the teacher asked again, "What's your name?" and he replied, "Buttitches." Then a student yelled out, "JUST SCRATCH YOUR ASS ALREADY!"

A girl and boy are in bed after sex. The boy goes, “I can’t believe they got together after all that shit.” The girl says, “Who?” The boy goes, “My ass cheeks.”