Humor
Penis.
A bully chokes me. I simply say, "Joke's on you, I like being choked!"
What do you call an octopus dad?
An octodad.
what's the difference between an onion and a baby?
nobody cries when you cut up the baby.
How does a blonde turn off the light after having sex?
She opens the car door.
Once there was this Whichdoctor. He walked barefoot most of the time, which gave him impressive calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, and the food gave him bad breath, which made him (wait for it) a Super Callused Fragile Mystic Hexed By Halitosis.
The IRS came to this man's house one day and told him to come in the next morning to talk about all the money that's been coming in and out of his bank account. So the man thought, "Maybe I need to get a lawyer." So he and his lawyer get to the IRS's office and sit down, and the agent said, "There has been a large amount of money flowing in and out of your account, and we wanted to know if you knew anything about it." The man says, "Yes, I do. I'm a gambler." The agent says, "You gamble with that much money?" The man says, "Yes, I'll give you an example. Alright, I bet you $5,000 that I can bite my left eye." Agent says, "Alright, deal." The man takes out his fake eye and bites it. Then the agent says, "That's not fair." The man says, "I'll let you get your money back, or even more. I bet you $7,500 I can bite my right eye." The agent, thinking, "I didn't see him come in with a guide dog or a stick," so the agent says, "Deal." The man takes out his false teeth and bites his right eye. The agent then says, "That's not fair." The man replies, "Alright, I have another one. You're down $12,500. I'll bet you $15,000, if you put that waste basket on the other side of the room, I can stand by your desk and piss across the room into the waste basket and not get a drop anywhere." The agent says, "That's impossible, you've got a deal." The man starts peeing and pees all over his desk, and the agent says, "I got you!" He's laughing and happy that he finally beat him, but then the lawyer has his hand on his face, and the agent asked, "What's wrong with you?" and the lawyer replies, "The man bet me $100,000 he could piss on your desk, and you'd just love it."
What's a skeleton's favorite meme?
Ken Bone.
What did the cancer patient get for Valentine's Day? Candy wigs.
This website!
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lick-a-lot-of-puss!
What's the difference between a fish and a car?
You can tune a car... but you can't TUNA fish! x3
There were three babies in a mom's stomach. One baby asks, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" The other baby answers, "A doctor. I want to help people. What about you?"
"I want to be an engineer. I want to make things. What about you?" he asks to the third baby.
"I want to be a hunter."
"Why?" the other babies ask.
"I want to kill the snake that spits on my face."
Why did the Canadian cross the road?
To say sorry to the other side.
How do Chinese people name their kids?
They roll a coin down the staircase and it says, "Ching chang chong..."
What do you call a man with no legs?
Neil (kneel)
What do you call a squirrel with wings? A flying squirrel, it's pretty self-explanatory.
I know you don’t like rape jokes, but I’m gonna force one on you anyway.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Doctor.
Doctor who?
One time there was a squirrel who died.
It was funny because the squirrel got dead.