Humor

I told my deaf mom to be nice to the neighbors. She didn't listen...

So a girl says, "You're so ugly to me," and she says, "I’m the prettiest girl." I say, "Yeah, a pretty girl for an ogre 👹!"

What do you do when you get locked outside your house? You talk to the lock, because communication is key.

Doctor: You need new glasses.

Patient: How'd you know? I haven't even told you what is wrong with me yet.

Doctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window.

What do planets use to download music?

Nep-tunes.

People say, "I like your cut G." Which is when you get a fresh cut. But I guess when you go bald, we can say, "Like your forehead, G."

I know it's really, really, really, really bad.

Son: Dad, Dad, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG!!!!!!!

Dad: What's wrong? Are you OK?!

Son: Mia asked me out on a date on February 30th!

Dad: 'Cause there's no February 30th?

An orphan goes up to someone. The guy says, "Where are your parents?"

The orphan says, "Why do you think I'm wearing ripped pyjamas?"

Q: How can you tell if a vampire is sick?

A: By how much he's coffin.

Mike Oxlong.

I hate you—if you look at the first letters of the words, you'll know what I mean.

Interfischl

Happy

Apple

Tea

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Dwarf: pulls down the flap for the mirror.

Also dwarf: can’t see.

what is the difference between a basement full of dead prostitutes and a bowling ball in the basement?

I don't bowl.

Why are the jokes fat? Because you made it.

I'd tell you a joke about my boyfriend's dick, but it's a private joke.

I met a kid with Down syndrome the other day. He told me he was into rock music. He told me his favorite song was "Down With The Syndrome." Kinda drooled while attempting to sing it.

My sister's name is Coco, and one day she was funny, so I told her, "You coconut."

A man can form Jupiter girls came from Venus, and other genders came right from Uranus.

My sister asked me what is dark humor. I asked what does a cannibal call a pregnant woman? "Kinder Surprise!"

Life is like a McDonald's meal; it only lasts 7 seconds for fat people.