Humor
Hellen Keller went to town riding a pony, stuck a feather in her hat, and called it an "Unnghhtpthhh!"
Doctor: You should stop masturbating.
Me: Doc, I'm almost done.
What do an ice cream cone and a Ukrainian orphanage have in common?
Children scream when they melt.
Ashley said to me one day, "What is my name?"
And I said, "My name is everyday life of stupidity."
For this orphan, his dad didn't only go and get the milk. His mom did too.
What do you call depressed coffee?
Despresso ;)
School teacher: "Hey kid, why don't you just go home to your family?"
Orphan: "My family never came back for me."
School teacher: "Your daddy must've really needed that milk."
What do you call an animal flouting?
Super bird!
If you think long and hard, oral sex is like cannibals.
No.
What's the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.
Why did the Carthaginian say Rome lost the war?
Because they were just roman around.
So, a bus crashes, killing everyone on the bus, and God feels so bad that He gives each one a wish.
The first person comes up, and she wants to be beautiful, so God makes her beautiful, and she goes into Heaven. The next person comes up, and he says, "I want to be beautiful as well." As this goes on, the last man in the back begins laughing a little, everyone becoming beautiful, until God asked the last person what they want, and he said, "I want everyone in front of me to be ugly again!" So God had to call the based department and gave him everything that last guy wanted.
What do trans women bring to lesbian relationships?
Something big and warm 🍆.
Emo girls be like: How much am I worth...
Girl, scan the code on your wrist!
Your forehead so big your thoughts started on a Monday and didn't end 'til Sunday.
WAIT! I remember how the joke goes! These two cannibals are hanging out eating lunch, which is a clown, you see, 'cause they're cannibals and one cannibal says to the other cannibal, "Does this taste funny to you?"
What candy loves shooting stars? Starbursts!
What do you call someone smart and dead?
Stephen Hawking...
A guy walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says, "If I can surprise you, I get a free drink." The bartender was unsure but agreed.
The guy pulled a 30cm long pianist out of his pocket, and he starts to play.
The bartender was surprised and gave the guy a free drink.
The guy then says, "You see, I have a little wizard in my pocket that grants wishes. Can I get another free drink if you get a free wish?"
The bartender agrees without hesitation.
The bartender wishes for 1000 bucks, but he gets 1000 ducks.
"WTF!" the man shouts.
The guy answered, "Did you think I wanted a 30cm long pianist?"