Humans jokes

Woman

    • So a woman was paranoid, so she had a dog to check to see if anything was wrong. She would always stick her hand under the bed, and if the dog licked her hand, then she was safe. One night, just before bed, she stuck her hand under the bed. She felt a lick, so she went to bed. In the middle of the night, she needed to go to the bathroom. So, she walked into the bathroom, and on the window, it said: "HUMANS CAN LICK TOO!" Then she was murdered.

  • 6

    • Monkey

    • I went up to my mom and asked how humanity started. She said it started with monkeys, so I went up to my dad and asked. My dad said it all started with Adam and Eve, so I told my dad that mom said humanity started with monkeys, and dad said mom was telling her side of the story. LOL🤣

  • 1

    • Jonah

    • A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because it was a very large mammal; its throat was very small.

    The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

    The little girl said, "When I get to Heaven, I will ask Jonah."

    The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to Hell?"

    The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

  • 15
    • Humans memes

    Banana

    • Today I learned that on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

    This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.

  • 5

    • School

    • There were 30 high school seniors taking finals, and once they finished, the teacher, Mrs. Jones, walked up and down the classroom to collect the tests, and asked, "So, are you guys ready for college?" And Brian answered, "No way. School is just a waste of time, every day taking *seven cruel hours of our lives*." Angela replied, "Never! Like Brian said, school is just a waste of time, and the next level is surely not worth paying $50,000 for. Besides, math class is *mental abuse to humans*!" And Jack said, "School has been a waste of so much time I'll never get back, and after these *finals* I've realized... *fuck, I never actually learned shit*!"

  • 0

    • Bridge

    • I was happy for once, and my family was happy I was happy, but that all changed when they found out I was thinking about bridges and humans.

  • 2

    • Bone

    • Sans: Zzzzzzzz.

    Papyrus: SANS, WAKE UP!!

    Sans: What is it, dude?

    Papyrus: A human has fallen from the surface world!

    Sans: And you gotta BONE to pick with 'em??

  • 0

    • WASP

    • God creates a wasp :)

    God: Okay, so make it reeeeally tiny. Like less than half a fly.

    Angel: okay... a bug.

    God: now give it's face a sword, but it has a hole so it's basically a mouth.

    Angel: weird.. but okay...

    God: and give it wings.

    Angel: eh, not half bad Go-

    God: NOW MAKE IT EAT THE BLOOD OF ALL LIVING ANIMALS AND HUMANS

    Angel: *shook* o-okay

    God: okay. Now make sure whenever a human is bit it feels the pain of a million suns burning it, making it scratch until it bleeds out.

    Angel: . - .

    God: and make sure it also transfers diseases through the species. Give 'em a taste 'o that! *evil grin*

    Angel: *cries*

    Angel: *whispers; I'm so sorry..*

  • 0

    • Dad

    • The average human male walks for five miles, but the gas station is ten miles away. So why does it take fifteen years for my dad to buy cigarettes?

  • 5

    • Monkey

    • Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. -- I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

  • 6
    • Humans memes

    Community talk

    • Fun fact: All humans are defaultly programmed to be female. Therefore for a male to be born, an SRY gene on the Y chromosome has to be turned on. Men love talking about logic and facts until the fact is that they all started out as female in the womb. Being a man is quite literally a biological detour. You didn't upgrade, you just deviated from the original master plan.

    • The Vessel faced The Kraken, the False Embodiment of Death. The Vessel wouldn't survive. He knew that. But he no longer cared. Perhaps he never cared. He had never been one to see himself as a person of value, even if the others tried to convince him otherwise. His eyes closed for a moment. He had time to reflect before the final trial. The calm before the storm, some might call it, but the Vessel knew he had already… Read more

    Community