Hows Jokes

How do you start a Mexican bedtime story?

Juans upon a time.

A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared."

The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone!"

Me: How does this thing work?

ForTnite kid: Oh, you don’t know how to use a pistol? Look, I’ll show you.

ForTnitekid: *shoots foot*

Me: That wasn’t a very good demonstration.

"Hey, hey, Spongebob! Water you doing?" [laughs]

"Just looking for all my coins with my metal detector because beach better have my money!" [laughs]

"How much have you found so far?"

"Y'know what, I'm not really shore!" [laughs]

Wood-fired pizza.

How would pizza get a job now?

The image shows a blurred figure with glowing red eyes. Above the image it says: "Me to my FBI agent when he asks why I searched up how to execute kids." Underneath the image it says: "My goals are beyond your understanding."

How do you know if a chick is too fat?

If you pull her pants down, her ass is still in them.

How to get rid of your depression:

1. Stop self-pitying.

2. Realize you can't.

3. Fucking deal with it.

You're welcome.

How do s’mores communicate?

On Insta-graham.

I like my women how I like my golf score: low in the 80s and with a handicap.

Knowing how to pick locks has really opened a lot of doors for me.

How do you get two deaf people from fighting?

Turn off the lights and walk out.

How did Stephen Hawking die?

His core i5 Overheated. XD

How do you annoy Pinocchio?

Ask him, "Do you always tell lies?"

A kid asks his father, "How long is our trip, Dad?"

The kid's father says, "Our trip is a Fortnite."

How did the digital clock show off to its mother?

Look, Ma, no hands!

Q: How do you get a squirrel to like you? A: Act like a nut! 😂

Q: Why don't eggs tell jokes? A: Because they'd crack each other up.

Son: Dad, can you put my shoes on? Dad: No, son, I don't think they would fit me.

I'm on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat it.

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

Two women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.

Emma turns to Jane and says, "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"

Jane replies with, "I burnt to death."

Emma, shocked, responds with, "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"

Jane answers with, "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"

Emma replies with, "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."

Jane retorts with, "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air, and men with spears are there.

One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So, what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren’t that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."

The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."

The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."

And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."

The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them. The guy from France said, “For France!” and drank the poison and died. The man from Britain said, “Long live the Queen!” and shot himself and died. And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, “MAKE A CANOE OUT OF THIS YOU FUCKERS!”