Hows jokes
I saw an advertisement for colored pens and how they write. They take a blue pen and write "blue," a yellow pen and write "yellow." I was inspired too.
I took a pen, filled it with my blood, and wrote "AIDS."
How do you blind an Irish woman?
You put a bottle of Scotch in front of her.
How do you know you broke into a gay man’s house?
They only have a back door.
Has anybody noticed that the New York City football team is the New York Jets? They sure know how to scare the Twin Towers.
Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!
Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*
Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.
Memes
What's the difference between YouTube adverts and orphans?
Most get skipped no matter how interesting they are.
I like my women how I like my scotch: 11 years old and mixed with Coke.
How do you throw a surprise party at the hospital?
Throw a strobe light in the epileptic ward.
You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.
How many dyslexics does it take to change a lightbulb?
Steven.
How is slavery different from Pokémon?
The types you can have.
How do you get a boy to share something? Bring in Michael Jackson's bed.
Man: Cow milk is drinkable.
Other man: How do you know that?
Man: *smiles with milk all over mouth*
Other man: John...h-how do you know that!
I asked the gym instructor,
"Can you teach me to do the splits?"
"How flexible are you?" he asked.
"Well, I can't make it on Fridays."
How is a child molester and Harambe the same? They both get shot for touching little kids.
How did Santa feel when he got stuck in the chimney?
Claus-trophobic.
How do you know if spaghetti is a boy or a girl? It's meatballs.
How do you know Johnny Depp finished his meal?
When you see fifty empty bottles of wine on his front doorstep.
Why aren't apple chargers called apple juice? Also, how do you throw away trash cans?
How was the slice of cheese 🧀 doing in the kitchen?
Cheddar!