Hows jokes
How was the slice of cheese 🧀 doing in the kitchen?
Cheddar!
How did Santa feel when he got stuck in the chimney?
Claus-trophobic.
I asked the gym instructor,
"Can you teach me to do the splits?"
"How flexible are you?" he asked.
"Well, I can't make it on Fridays."
How do you know if spaghetti is a boy or a girl? It's meatballs.
How do you know Johnny Depp finished his meal?
When you see fifty empty bottles of wine on his front doorstep.
Memes
me when i realized that buildings don't make earth any heavier cuz all the materials were already used on it.
Someone stole my grass today. I went to the police, and they said: "What's wrong?" I said, "How could you tell something was wrong?" They replied, "You were looking forlorn."
Q: How can you tell if a vampire is sick?
A: By how much he's coffin.
How do mountains see? They peek.
How much do 2000 pounds of Chinese noodles weigh? Won Ton.
How do you throw a surprise party at the hospital?
Throw a strobe light in the epileptic ward.
Two Indians are walking beside a river...
One reaches down into the mud and runs it through his fingers.
"The White Man was here."
"How can you tell?"
"We're speaking English, aren’t we?"
How many dyslexics does it take to change a lightbulb?
Steven.
I like my women how I like my scotch: 11 years old and mixed with Coke.
You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.
How do you know it’s a gay guy’s birthday?
Depends how hard they blow out the candles.
How do you describe a redhead with bad teeth?
Gingervitus.
How do you restrain a straight person? Give them a straight jacket.
How do you restrain a trans person? Make the trans vest tight.
What's the difference between YouTube adverts and orphans?
Most get skipped no matter how interesting they are.
Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!
Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*
Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.
Has anybody noticed that the New York City football team is the New York Jets? They sure know how to scare the Twin Towers.