Hows

Hows jokes

Santa

How did Santa feel when he got stuck in the chimney?

Claus-trophobic.

Split

I asked the gym instructor,

"Can you teach me to do the splits?"

"How flexible are you?" he asked.

"Well, I can't make it on Fridays."

Wine

How do you know Johnny Depp finished his meal?

When you see fifty empty bottles of wine on his front doorstep.

Memes

Building

me when i realized that buildings don't make earth any heavier cuz all the materials were already used on it.

A grayscale image of a stuffed dolphin with a tie around its neck. It has a single tear under its eye. Text below says: "And they ask you how you are, and you just have to say you're fine when you're not really fine."

Grass

Someone stole my grass today. I went to the police, and they said: "What's wrong?" I said, "How could you tell something was wrong?" They replied, "You were looking forlorn."

Epileptic

How do you throw a surprise party at the hospital?

Throw a strobe light in the epileptic ward.

Indian

Two Indians are walking beside a river...

One reaches down into the mud and runs it through his fingers.

"The White Man was here."

"How can you tell?"

"We're speaking English, aren’t we?"

Woman

I like my women how I like my scotch: 11 years old and mixed with Coke.

Girlfriend

You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.

Birthday

How do you know it’s a gay guy’s birthday?

Depends how hard they blow out the candles.

Jacket

How do you restrain a straight person? Give them a straight jacket.

How do you restrain a trans person? Make the trans vest tight.

Orphan

What's the difference between YouTube adverts and orphans?

Most get skipped no matter how interesting they are.

Starvation

Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!

Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*

Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.

New York City

Has anybody noticed that the New York City football team is the New York Jets? They sure know how to scare the Twin Towers.