Hows jokes
Why aren't apple chargers called apple juice? Also, how do you throw away trash cans?
How do you make a blind person jealous? You ask if it's a nice day out.
How do you know Johnny Depp finished his meal?
When you see fifty empty bottles of wine on his front doorstep.
I got so drunk with the guys yesterday that when the Uber driver asked how many drinks I had, I said, "Yes."
Someone stole my grass today. I went to the police, and they said: "What's wrong?" I said, "How could you tell something was wrong?" They replied, "You were looking forlorn."
Q: How can you tell if a vampire is sick?
A: By how much he's coffin.
How did Aby get away from Mr. Ryan in Iran? He ran!
How does the zebra cross the road?
The zebra crossing.
How do you get a slag from Dundee pregnant?
Spunk in the gutter and let the flies do the work...
I saw an advertisement for colored pens and how they write. They take a blue pen and write "blue," a yellow pen and write "yellow." I was inspired too.
I took a pen, filled it with my blood, and wrote "AIDS."
How to escape your black school teacher in detention?
(Easy)
Turn off the lights!
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"Father replied, "I don't know, son. I'm still paying."
How much do 2000 pounds of Chinese noodles weigh? Won Ton.
What's the difference between YouTube adverts and orphans?
Most get skipped no matter how interesting they are.
How to catch Bigfoot: 1. Dig a large pit. 2. Build a fire in the pit and let it burn all the way to ashes. 3. Place small green peas all around the rim of the pit. 4. Hide in the bushes and wait. When Bigfoot goes to take a pea, kick him in the ash hole.
How did Protestants perform in the 16th century? Well done.
Has anybody noticed that the New York City football team is the New York Jets? They sure know how to scare the Twin Towers.
How do you get a boy to share something? Bring in Michael Jackson's bed.
Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!
Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*
Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.
How do you make a dishwasher work again?
Smack her ass and say "get back to work!"