How does the zebra cross the road?
The zebra crossing.
Hows Jokes
How much work does a skeleton get done?
A SKELE-TON!
What did the blind kid get for Christmas? He hasn’t seen it yet...
What did the kids with no arms get? He doesn’t know, he’s still trying to figure out how to open it. :))))
"How would you describe yourself in three words?"
"Lazy!"
How do you get a boy to share something? Bring in Michael Jackson's bed.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, that's a hardware problem.
People say that they can read people's faces; then how come nobody sees me breaking inside?
How do you organize a space themed birthday party?
You planet.
How do you tell if someone is depressed?
The brains on the wall.
How to get a girl in three steps:
Step 1: grab a pillow.
Step 2: grab a blanket.
Step 3: keep dreaming.
How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.
How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?
A: None, it should be opened by the time she brings it.
How do you make a suicidal guy go bungee jumping?
Tie the bungee cord around his neck.
I bought a ceiling fan the other day.
It was a complete waste of money.
He just stands there applauding and saying, "Ooh, I love how smooth it is."
When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead, I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.
What did the balls say to the dick?
Hey dick, how's it hanging?
How do you make Stephen Hawking mad?
You turn off the WiFi router.
I think it’s dumb that people say a woman belongs in the kitchen.
How else is the rest of the house going to get cleaned?
How was copper wire invented?
Two Jewish people fighting over a penny.
A policeman found a dead body of a man on the street. He thought he recognized the body and the 2 friends he usually hung out with, so he called in one of the friends.
The friend looked into the dead body's face and said, "Yep, that's definitely Joe," but then, to be absolutely sure, he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants, and said, "Oh no, wait, that's not Joe." The policeman called in the 2nd friend. The 2nd friend looked into the dead body's face and said, "Yep, that's definitely Joe," but then, to be absolutely sure, he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants, and said, "Oh no, wait, that's not Joe." Confused, the policeman asked, "How is it that when you look into his face you're sure he is your friend, but when you look at his ass you're sure he is not?"
The 1st friend said, "Well, you see, Joe has 2 assholes." "Are you serious?" the policeman asked. "Oh yes," he replied, "we've never actually seen them, but when the 3 of us hang out together people point and say, 'Hey, there's Joe with those 2 assholes.'"
