Hows jokes
How do pedophiles follow the law?
They drive it slow in the school zone.
How do you punch 40 kids in the face at once? Hit them with a “Sandy Hook”.
Friend: How's it going?
Me: Good, things are good!
Parent: How are you?
Me: Oh, I'm fine!
Twitter: Compose new tweet?
Me: Hellooooo, I would like to tell you about my anxiety & my current greatest fears & let's talk about the impending apocalypse while we're at it.
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.
How did the orphan operate the phone? He didn't. He didn't understand the homepage.
How much does a chimney cost?
It's free cause it's on the house.
How many times does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Tentacles!
Little Johnny is walking in the hallway and goes in his brother's room and catches him watching something, so he asks, "What you watching?" His brother replies, "Nothing," and drops his phone. But then he gets a text from his teacher, who texted him a picture of her naked, saying, "After school come fuck me." So Johnny looks and says, "Ew, I'm telling Mom," and he ran with his brother's phone and showed his mom, and his mom said, "Ok, Johnny, I'll take care of you brother," and she told him to leave, and he did.
And his brother ran in his mom's room naked, and his mom said, "Oh, that's big. How about you do what your teacher told you to do to her, to me?" And a few hours later, Johnny heard weird noises coming from the room, so he walked in and saw them (his brother and mom) having sex, so he closed the door and walked away.
How do you know Adam and Eve were white?
Have you ever tried taking a rib from black women?
Uranus is a cow, You may be wondering, how?
Uranus farts methane, And cows do the same.
A fly is 6 inches above water, and a fish sees it and it leaps out and gets the fly. Then a bear grabs the fish and eats it. Then a hunter shot the bear, and a mouse saw some crackers and then leaped on the cracker and ate it. Then a cat runs down to get the mouse, trips, and falls into the water, and that's the story of how six inches can get a pussy wet.
Caesar went to the future only to see how the Romans forgot Julius Caesar but only made a salad... I think it would have been better if Caesar stayed dead.
Q: How did Helen Keller get a concussion?
A: She kept stepping on a rake.
How can toilet paper decorate your house?
Shit sticks everywhere.
What was the first thing Thanos snapped?
Loki’s neck.
How do you surprise a 50-year-old man? By putting a 12-inch dick through his ass.
He said, "Best surprise ever!"
How do you get a baby into a small bowl?
A blender.
How do you get it out? Tostito chips.
This is how I got [redacted]
Q. How does an ISIS terrorist practice safe sex?
A. He marks the camels that kick.
How do you get a woman to give head? Force it down her throat and hold the back of her head. Make her gag for a little and then pull out. Do this over and over for 30 seconds or so. If she doesn't open up, choke her and force her mouth open.
Woman aren't human anyways... lol.