Hows jokes

I'll never forget how my grandmother died. "This lemonade tastes like bleach..."

Sir William Herschel discovered Uranus in 1781, 200 years before you were born. How did he do that?

I never knew how to use a boomerang, until it hit me.

Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.

Teach a feminist to fish and she will accuse you of patronising her, claim she knew how to do it anyway, and that even if she didn’t, she could easily work it out without the help of a man.

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

They put doorknobs on a wall and said, "Open the door."

How did the farmer find his lost cow? He tractor down.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

"How do you breathe through something so small?"

Q: How are Clocks like Pedophiles? A: They both stop at 12.

How do you make a sad person jump?

A bridge.

How do rappers keep themselves clean?

They drop SOAP BARS.

People say that biting off your finger would be as easy as biting a carrot if your brain didn't try to stop you. How the f do people know that and how many people's fingers did they bite off before coming to that conclusion?

How do you say "Brazier" in German?

Stop 'em from floppin' (German accent)

My mum once told me, "How do you spell Mississippi?" and I said, "Misisipi." But she said, "No, it goes mi-ss-i-ss-pp-i," and I laughed when she said "pp." Then she said, "Why are you laughing?" I tried saying, "You said pp," but I was laughing too hard.

I'm still not sure how I'm not in jail or have been fined for littering. When I was born, I was born in a hospital trash can, therefore making me a literal piece of trash. That being said, any time I'm out in public, I'm a piece of litter.

How does a disabled kid walk to school?

He wishes he had the facilities to.

A few kids were talking about how big their houses were. Kids were pointing to huge houses and huge apartments. One little boy said, "Bet I have the biggest home." To everyone's surprise, he pointed right towards the massive orphanage.

Imagine getting a call and it says, "Welcome to David's orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may we help you?"

When I see lovers' names carved on a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

How do you spell ihop?

Then spell ihop and say "ness".

How do you light up a football stadium? With a football match.