Hows jokes

This man got his left arm and left leg cut off, and someone asked him, "How are you?" And he said, "I’m all right now."

i raped a dog. When asked how her experience was, she said ruff

How do you get a dishwasher to shovel snow? Give the bitch a shovel.

I was going to buy a pocket calculator. But then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have?

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde."

The blonde then taped the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

I'll never forget how my grandmother died. "This lemonade tastes like bleach..."

Sir William Herschel discovered Uranus in 1781, 200 years before you were born. How did he do that?

Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.

Teach a feminist to fish and she will accuse you of patronising her, claim she knew how to do it anyway, and that even if she didn’t, she could easily work it out without the help of a man.

How did the farmer find his lost cow? He tractor down.

How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.

You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

How do you get a light bulb horny? You turn it on!

My mum once told me, "How do you spell Mississippi?" and I said, "Misisipi." But she said, "No, it goes mi-ss-i-ss-pp-i," and I laughed when she said "pp." Then she said, "Why are you laughing?" I tried saying, "You said pp," but I was laughing too hard.

A few kids were talking about how big their houses were. Kids were pointing to huge houses and huge apartments. One little boy said, "Bet I have the biggest home." To everyone's surprise, he pointed right towards the massive orphanage.

People say that biting off your finger would be as easy as biting a carrot if your brain didn't try to stop you. How the f do people know that and how many people's fingers did they bite off before coming to that conclusion?

How do you spell ihop?

Then spell ihop and say "ness".

When I see lovers' names carved on a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

Imagine getting a call and it says, "Welcome to David's orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may we help you?"

How do you light up a football stadium? With a football match.

What does a one-night stand have in common with earthquakes? You never know how long they'll last.

How do you flatten curves?

With an abortion.