Hows jokes

How do you say "Brazier" in German?

Stop 'em from floppin' (German accent)

I'm still not sure how I'm not in jail or have been fined for littering. When I was born, I was born in a hospital trash can, therefore making me a literal piece of trash. That being said, any time I'm out in public, I'm a piece of litter.

When I see lovers' names carved on a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

Imagine getting a call and it says, "Welcome to David's orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may we help you?"

How do you spell ihop?

Then spell ihop and say "ness".

People say that biting off your finger would be as easy as biting a carrot if your brain didn't try to stop you. How the f do people know that and how many people's fingers did they bite off before coming to that conclusion?

How does a disabled kid walk to school?

He wishes he had the facilities to.

A few kids were talking about how big their houses were. Kids were pointing to huge houses and huge apartments. One little boy said, "Bet I have the biggest home." To everyone's surprise, he pointed right towards the massive orphanage.

How do you light up a football stadium? With a football match.

How do you get a light bulb horny? You turn it on!

My mum once told me, "How do you spell Mississippi?" and I said, "Misisipi." But she said, "No, it goes mi-ss-i-ss-pp-i," and I laughed when she said "pp." Then she said, "Why are you laughing?" I tried saying, "You said pp," but I was laughing too hard.

How are Kentucky Fried Chicken and a woman the same?

Once you take away the legs and the breasts, you’re left with one greasy box to put your bone in.

How many gay guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one... But it takes the entire emergency room to take it out.

How many gays does it take to put in a light bulb?

Only one... but it takes the entire Emergency Room to get it out.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

"How do you breathe through something so small?"

How do you make a sad person jump?

A bridge.

How do rappers keep themselves clean?

They drop SOAP BARS.

Roses are red, eggs come in a dozen, do I need to revive Hitler to teach you how to use a goddamn oven?

This man got his left arm and left leg cut off, and someone asked him, "How are you?" And he said, "I’m all right now."

I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting, but fell asleep.