Hows jokes
People say that biting off your finger would be as easy as biting a carrot if your brain didn't try to stop you. How the f do people know that and how many people's fingers did they bite off before coming to that conclusion?
A few kids were talking about how big their houses were. Kids were pointing to huge houses and huge apartments. One little boy said, "Bet I have the biggest home." To everyone's surprise, he pointed right towards the massive orphanage.
How do you light up a football stadium? With a football match.
How many white guys does it take to screw a lightbulb?
None. They hire me to do it.
My mum once told me, "How do you spell Mississippi?" and I said, "Misisipi." But she said, "No, it goes mi-ss-i-ss-pp-i," and I laughed when she said "pp." Then she said, "Why are you laughing?" I tried saying, "You said pp," but I was laughing too hard.
When I see lovers' names carved on a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
How do you spell ihop?
Then spell ihop and say "ness".
Imagine getting a call and it says, "Welcome to David's orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may we help you?"
How do you get a light bulb horny? You turn it on!
How do you blow up an Indian person?
You press the red button.
How do you tell the difference between a Palestinian elementary school and a terrorist training camp?
Answer... I don't know, I just fly the drone.
How do you stop a baby from drowning? pt. 2
-Harpoon it.
A man and woman were having sex. After they were done, the man asks the woman, "Are you a nurse?" The woman answers, "Yes. How did you know?" The man replies, "Because you took care of me so well." Then the woman asks the man, "Are you an anesthesiologist?" He says proudly, "Yes. How do you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."
How did the octopus go to the war?
Well armed.
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side!
How does the bunny keep his fur neat?
With a hare brush.
How did the USA beat Japan in rapping?
By dropping two of the biggest roasts.
How many fingers am I holding up?
Said the suicide bomber, referring to the countdown.
How do we know that the ocean is friendly? It waves.
Suicide is just freedom, life is just full of pain... Sometimes if you're gone maybe somebody might notice. Feels like life is a maze and the only way to leave is the exit. Nobody notices your pain, your suffering, and that you try your best though everyone notices your mistakes. Life just feels like everyone hates you. Life for me is just faking smiles, I'm not sure how everyone lives such a good life.