Hows jokes

I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting, but fell asleep.

How do you stop a baby from drowning? pt. 2

-Harpoon it.

How do you blow up an Indian person?

You press the red button.

How did the octopus go to the war?

Well armed.

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

To get to the other side!

i raped a dog. When asked how her experience was, she said ruff

How does the bunny keep his fur neat?

With a hare brush.

How does a Muslim close a door? He islams it.

How many fingers am I holding up?

Said the suicide bomber, referring to the countdown.

How do we know that the ocean is friendly? It waves.

Suicide is just freedom, life is just full of pain... Sometimes if you're gone maybe somebody might notice. Feels like life is a maze and the only way to leave is the exit. Nobody notices your pain, your suffering, and that you try your best though everyone notices your mistakes. Life just feels like everyone hates you. Life for me is just faking smiles, I'm not sure how everyone lives such a good life.

How did the blind Catholic get in a car crash? He asked Jesus to take the wheel.

How many Trump supporters does it take to fix a lightbulb?

None, Trump says it is all done and they cheer in the dark.

Guy: Do you know how to draw women's rights?

Girl: No, how?

Guy: All you need is a blank paper, and that's it.

How do you get Wacko Jacko to come inside your shop? Have little boys' pants half off!

How do you keep a mute woman you've raped from telling on you?

By cutting off her fingers.

How do you knock out 26 kids in one punch?

You give them a Sandy Hook.

Poor Bubba got burnt up so bad in a house fire that the coroner needed someone to identify the body. So Bubba's two best friends (the three were inseparable) agreed. The first friend said, "Hard to tell, can you turn him over?" The coroner looked perplexed but did so. "Nope, that's not Bubba." The second friend said, "He's burnt up pretty bad, can you roll him over again?" The coroner didn't understand but rolled him over anyway. "Nope, that's not him." Pretty confused, the coroner asked, "How can you tell it's not him by rolling him over?" "Well, you see, Bubba had two assholes." "Impossible," the coroner replied. The friends said, "I don't know, but every time we went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"

How is the world like dirt?

Because we don't think twice about it.

Most people say I'm a clown. Yet they don't laugh at my jokes. Most people avoid me because I'm a "clown". Yet I'm not the center of the circus. But I know I'm gonna be a clown forever. Because I can't take this damn mask off, no matter how hard I try.

Weeks later: Finally I found out why I'm being called a clown...because my smiling face is fake...