Hows jokes
How to commit arson:
1. Burn down an orphanage.
Why are orphans bad at basketball?
They haven't learned how to keep the ball with them.
How do you trap a shape? You use a trapezoid.
After arriving home from helping the priest, a young altar boy approaches his parents, "Mommy, Daddy, my poop is white!"
The mother rushes the boy to the hospital, while the father rushes to church in a rage and proceeds to beat the living hell out of the priest. Afterwards, the father heads to the hospital and meets his wife in the waiting room; she's surprisingly calm.
"How can you be so relaxed after what that bastard has been doing to our son?" he exclaims.
The wife looks up at him, "What are you talking about? It's just a liver infection!"
How can you tell the difference between a Christian priest and a zit?
One waits until you're twelve to come on your face.
How did Sally die?
She got shot.
How? She could not run away.
How is there evidence of climate change?
The liberal snowflakes are drastically melting down!
How much do the bones in your body weigh? A skele-ton!
How many CIA agents does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
They don't need lightbulbs--they glow in the dark.
A Scotsman at the hairdresser: "How much is a haircut?"
"Six pounds."
"And shaving?"
"Three pounds."
"Good, then shave my head."
A man got pulled over, and the policeman had stepped out and said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
The man said, "I was trying to catch up with the traffic."
The officer said, "There is no traffic."
The man said, "Exactly, that’s how far behind I am!"
How do you know a vampire's sick? If he's coffin (coughing?)
How do you get an orphan to go to sleep?
Tell them their parents are waiting when they wake up.
How can you tell it's a gay barbecue?
'Cause all the hot dogs taste like shit.
So the man asks me, "Jesus, how do you want your steak?"
So I said, "Well done, my good faithful servant, well done."
So, a guy and his brother were walking in the woods, and his brother said, "It's getting dark out here, can we go home?"
The man said, "I know, think how I will feel walking home tonight!"
How do you surprise a 50-year-old man? By putting a 12-inch dick through his ass.
He said, "Best surprise ever!"
What is an orphan's least favorite show? “How I Met Your Mother.”
You: Did you get the new snoo subscription?
Other: What's snoo?
You: Not much, how 'bout you?
A man is talking to his doctor after undergoing a whole range of tests to try and find out what’s wrong with him.
The doctor sits him down and says, “I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, but the results are back, and I’m afraid it’s fatal.”
“Oh no!” exclaims the man, “How long do I have?”
“Ten,” says the doctor.
“What, years? Months?!”
“Nine...”