Dad: How was your trip to the park?
Daughter: It was good until the man came along.
Dad: *gasps* Whatever happened, it wasn't your fault, but tell Daddy, what happened?
Daughter: He made my friends go away so it was just me and him... then he took my dress off...
Dad: Oh God, what next?
Daughter: Nothing, that was it.
Dad: Oh, come on! That wasn't exciting, make something up!
Gwen: Hi sir, how are you?
Tj: Good... you?
Gwen: I am super duper good! And where is your date? It seems like you need one π!
Tj: π.
Gwen: Here, this is your guest hall pass...you may...come in my friend!
Tj: Thanks but um, don't you think you should be um getting inside too?
Gwen: π No thanks sir but I have to work...I am the staff so bye! π.
Tj: NO!!!!!!
1 day later.
Gwen: π€π€π€π€π€π€π€°π€°π€°π©βπ§βπ¦
Little Johnny's mom got a call from school saying to come over. As she does, she is met by the principal. They go into his office and the principal says, "Your son is going to be suspended for a week for blowing clouds in the bathroom." The mother responds, "He is fifteen, how is he blowing clouds already? Bring him in here." A boy walks in, and Johnny's mother says, "This isn't my son, bring him in here, I would like a word with him." The principal replies, "Ma'am, this is Clouds." The mother faints.
How do you make a baby cry?
You run over it with a lawn mower.
Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.
"These are lying clocks; they tell how many lies a person tells."
"Oh, cool."
"This is Mother Teresa's clock; the clock hasn't moved because she never lied."
"Makes sense."
"This is Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."
"Where's Trump's clock?"
"Oh, we're using it as a ceiling fan."
And then I burst out laughing 'cause it's so true.
Teacher: Okay class, look at the person to the right of you and describe them with one word.
Me: *looks to the right of me and sees the pick-me girl* "Penny."
Teacher: *shocked* How is she a penny?
Me: 'Cause she's two-faced, flat, and always in someone's pants. Not to mention worth practically nothing.
How can Canada be one of the most educated countries when Canadians are unable to correctly spell "analyse", "programme", and "aluminium"?
Q: How do you make an emo kid happy?
A: Give them a Happy Meal.
Chuck Norris is the only man that ever had sex with my wife and survived. Oh, how did I survive?
Fortunately, being her husband, I was the one person she wasn't fucking.
That awkward moment when a fat kid says, βThatβs how I roll.β
How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb? None, they can't change anything.
I am just kidding, you know gay jokes aren't funny, come on guys.
Why do pirates say, "Argh my Hardees?"
Because that's how you tell when they have the hards.
How do adults like their cookies like their orphans?
Homemade.
School Bully: How's your girlfriend? Oh wait, you don't have any!
Me: How's your parents? Oh wait, you don't have any! *Continues to burn down orphanage*
How do emo bands prepare for their shows?
They self-harmonize.
How do planets have a baby?
They have spasex.
You know how divers jump off a cliff and land in the water well...
Emos do that too, but when they jump, they don't land in the water.
How is an emo kidβs wrist like Pink Floyd?
Itβs all shitty until you reach the final cut.
How do you know someone is going to die?
He can't stop coughing. (coffin)
How do people grade pedophiles?
1st grade to 8th grade.
(I know it's orphan jokes but still)
