Hows jokes

How does a depressed couple say goodbye on the phone?

"No, you hang yourself first..."

How many redheads does it take to change a lightbulb?

One! She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.

How do you save your wife from drowning?

Take your foot off her neck.

How many animals can you fit in a pair of underpants?

A. A cock and a few hairs (hares).

One day, I saw a kid beating up a fat kid. But a cop came out of nowhere and threw the bully off him. The cop then asked the bully, "Why are you beating him up?" I responded, saying, "I'm fighting obesity; no children should suffer from diabetes and heart disease." Then, the cop pulled out a gun and fired, afterwards saying, "Well, how did I do?"

A cowboy rides into a ranch on Sunday, stays three days, and leaves on Friday. How is this possible?

Okay, so I know this is not a joke, but I wanted to take some time to say if you have autism, you are still amazing. You are lovely in every way, and if people bully you, don't listen because they are wrong. You are cute, and I know how it feels. I have ADHD, and I get bullied a lot, but I don't let that get to me because I know what they are saying is wrong and not true. People with autism, stay strong; you got this. I will be your friend by heart, even if it's not in person.

How do you know when you have been invited to a gay barbecue?

When you are unable to distinguish foot-long hot dogs from long and thick big dicks, regardless of skin color.

No matter how lonely you get, you have Explain Bear.

Explain Bear is always there for you.

How do skyscrapers make friends?

They reach out.

How do you trick a camel jockey into drinking a bottle of watermelon schnapps?

Pour watermelon seeds into a bottle of watermelon schnapps.

How do you know when you're near Wacko Jacko's grave? When 'Thriller' is out and about.

How much does a hipster weigh?

About an Instagram.

How can you tell if your husband is dead?

The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.

Chuck: Do you have holes in your underpants?

Teacher: No, of course not.

Chuck: Then how do you get your feet through?

How does Skeletor feel after He-Man beats him up?

Skelesore.

How many Sallys does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, she was electrocuted.

When your boy tries to have a bad day while you're on your period:

Oh, you have a cold? How rude of me. I just laid an egg, and now my body is ripping down the walls of my uterus. But can I get you a tissue?

How did "Bloody Mary" become a thing?

Because her husband beat her bloody when she didn't stay in the kitchen.

Why is the older brother's kid brother that has autism always performing fellatio on his older brother?

Because he wants to find out how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.