House jokes
Why can’t orphans fly? Because they’re still winging it.
My wife said, "Why oh why have you ordered carpet, our house is lovely?"
Thankfully the carpet was put to good use in the end, no more stupid comments coming from a rolled up Emily in the bottom of the ocean!
My friend’s neighbor’s house is a real pigsty. There are hogs everywhere wearing neck garments.
If you're a cat person, never let hungry Chinese into your house. They might just have a snack.
How do you enter your house?
Through Bill Gates!
There’s going to be a wild party at the orphanage tonight...
The parents aren’t home.
What happens to an orphan that gets on house arrest?
They get set free.
What's an orphan's dream job?
A builder, to build themselves a home.
I went to my girlfriend's house one day in Alabama when I met her brother. He said, "Well, I guess there's no more you stuck in the dryer."
People have houses, but I don't have a house because I don't have parents, said the orphan.
Why can't orphans play House Flipper?
'Cause they don't know what to do.
Someone threatened to break into my house, but I am in a wheelchair. I said sure, and I moved everything upstairs and sat on the stairs so he couldn’t steal anything.
How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?
You make them clap until they go home.
In America, 1 in 10 houses has a paedophile.
Not me, I live next to a smoking hot 8-year-old.
My mom said don't fuck whores.
So I kicked my step sis out the house.
Why can't orphans play poker?
Because they don't know what a full house is.
I wanted to fall off a cliff, sadly, there aren't any cliffs near my house.
What's the difference between a tornado and a divorce down south?
Nothing. Someone's losing a trailer.
When the C.I.A. raided Osama Bin Laden’s house, they found Steam on his computer. This means he was a gamer. He raged a little too hard and went for New York.
A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot.
One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her $10 "pay" to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh, my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Lowe's ever deliver the fucking sheet rock!"