My friend’s neighbor’s house is a real pigsty. There are hogs everywhere wearing neck garments.
If you're a cat person, never let hungry Chinese into your house. They might just have a snack.
How do you enter your house?
Through Bill Gates!
There’s going to be a wild party at the orphanage tonight...
The parents aren’t home.
What happens to an orphan that gets on house arrest?
They get set free.
What's an orphan's dream job?
A builder, to build themselves a home.
I went to my girlfriend's house one day in Alabama when I met her brother. He said, "Well, I guess there's no more you stuck in the dryer."
People have houses, but I don't have a house because I don't have parents, said the orphan.
why can't orphans play house flipper? cuz they don't know what to do
Someone threatened to break into my house, but I am in a wheelchair. I said sure, and I moved everything upstairs and sat on the stairs so he couldn’t steal anything.
How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?
You make them clap until they go home.
In America, 1 in 10 houses has a paedophile.
Not me, I live next to a smoking hot 8-year-old.
My mom said don't fuck whores.
So I kicked my step sis out the house.
Why can't orphans play poker?
Because they don't know what a full house is.
I wanted to fall off a cliff, sadly, there aren't any cliffs near my house.
What's the difference between a tornado and a divorce down south?
Nothing. Someone's losing a trailer.
When the C.I.A. raided Osama Bin Laden’s house, they found Steam on his computer. This means he was a gamer. He raged a little too hard and went for New York.
A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot.
One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her $10 "pay" to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh, my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Lowe's ever deliver the fucking sheet rock!"
What did the bulldozer say to the house?
"I wanna bulldoze houses!"
Why do orphans become criminals? To know what it’s like to be wanted.
Why are orphans bad at poker? They don’t know what a full house is.
I saw a child crying yesterday, so I asked him where his parents were. Bad move. I got fired from my job at the orphanage.
What do you call an orphan’s family reunion? Me time.
Did you know? The letter ‘f’ in orphan stands for family.
What is an orphan’s least favorite song? We Are Family.
What’s an orphan’s least favorite TV show? Family Guy.
What’s an orphan’s least favorite movie? Meet the Parents.
What’s an orphan’s least favorite type of music? House.
What’s an orphan’s least favorite store? Home Depot.
What’s an orphan’s favorite band? Foster the People.
What do you call a virgin from Alabama? An orphan.
Where do orphan chickens end up? Foster Farms.
What beer do orphans drink? Foster’s.
Why do orphans have water with their cereal? Because their dad never came back with the milk.
What do you call a fish with no parents? An orfin.
Why do orphans like playing tennis? Because it’s the only love they get.
Me: Are you an orphan? Orphan: Yes, what gave me away? Me: Your parents.
